strings

I believe in the God who pulls strings through circumstances.

Hebrews 11:8, "Urged on by faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed and went forth to a place which he was destined to receive as an inheritance; and he went although he did not know or trouble his mind about where he was to go."

And so I walk...towards my inheritance that You have called me to.

Jeremiah 10:23, "Lord, I know that the determination of the way of a man is not in himself; it is not in man, even in man at his best, to direct his own steps."

Me at my best is still dirty rags in Your sight. I truly am powerless apart from dependence.

Proverbs 20:24, "Man's steps are ordered by the Lord. How then can a man understand his way?"

I cannot.

Psalm 37:23, "The steps of a good man (woman) are directed and established by the Lord when He (God) delights in his (her) way and He (God) busies Himself with his (her) EVERY step."

You don't lead me part way then stop.

So I walk with You, following Your lead, towards my inheritance of more Life, wholeness, holiness, love and grace...because You pull strings through circumstances to glorify Yourself.

waiting...

Why is it always such a mystery to me how God uses affliction to make me beautiful? To make me more like Himself? He is constantly humbling me, making me powerless, forcing me to walk in unknown paths that are so uncomfortable I cry out to Him like the Psalmist in Chapter 130. I feel like I am the watchman waiting for the morning, longing for relief not yet granted, for a grasp of what is next and what my God is doing...

Yet even as I wait, I wait with hopeful expectation, knowing because of His faithfulness in my life that this walk of faith is a walk of blind trust...

And that is what my Savior loves.

What I love is that He always manages to speak to me, to give me just what I need when I feel like I might drown, a taste of His incredible grace at the exact moment my heart is longing for more...

"Broken"

I have given all I have
You have shaken my foundations
In You I know that there is so much more
My strength has failed me
I look to You now.

Broken...at the foot of the cross I stand.
Broken...at the foot of the cross I stand.

Sometimes I feel so small
Afraid I have lost my way
Reaching for something that I don't really know
But You take my hand and gently embrace my soul.

Reaching...for the hem of Your robe I am.
Reaching...for the hem of Your robe I am.

I know how I have seen
Of the greatness of this King
And so, humble knees, I bow
Before Your glory and reach out.

Waiting...just to hear You speak to me.
Waiting...just to hear You speak to me.

God, I am longing for more of You...not the "answers" or even understanding...but ultimately more of You, even for just the hem of Your robe. You have humbled me greatly in Your provision and Spirit at work these past weeks...

I know that You have my best in mind...and so I will wait. Expectantly.

crazy

Matchbox Twenty sings a song called Unwell and every time I hear it, I reflect on my journey with Christ...because quite honestly, walking with Him is exactly like the line "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell"...and I think I am crazy, by most worldly ideals, standards, and labels...and ruined for more of Jesus.

The more I walk with Jesus, the more my life does not make sense...and the more I think about "being someone or something" or what I "should be doing with my life" because I feel a loss of purpose, vision, and drive, becoming so overwhelmed with the "crazy" in my life...

And then God faithfully meets me.

Philippians 3:7-14 sums up my purpose...that I may know Him...that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His person more strongly and clearly...in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection which it exerts over me as His disciple...and share His sufferings as to be continually transformed in spirit into His likeness even to His death, in hope that if possible I may attain to the spiritual and moral resurrection that lifts me out from among the dead.

My purpose is not to work, or be active, or essentially to find my identity in any "things"...rather, my purpose is to know Jesus. My purpose in today is to know and walk with Him by the power of His Spirit. It is to spend my time helping and serving others who may never love me back and never show gratitude for what I gave up. Further, it is not to control or figure anything out about all the unknowns and uncertainties in my life...it is simply to live in today with Him alone, still walking blindly by faith in what often feels like "risk" and "out of control," offering ALL of my trust...

Because that is all I have.

I am crazy and ruined for more of Jesus.

uncertainty

"Maybe faith has less to do with gaining knowledge and more to do with causing wonder"...

These words jumped off the page at me as I read them recently...we are about "defining" and getting wiser, thus theology is our definition of God as we "study" Him...but God was never meant to be "studied," much less defined, especially by finite beings. He was meant to actively live in and through our lives.

The world is about education and gaining knowledge so that we are more "successful," earn more money, move up the food chain...

Yet Jesus is the opposite, again contrary on all levels of this world and what the world has told us to be true. Thus, our walk with God - our faith - should only push us deeper into awe and wonder and worship of our Creator, giving worth to Him alone. Sometimes I think that "figuring" God out by gaining knowledge steers us away from worship rather than into the reverent presence of God. In His Word, God says that He is a "mystery"...and He really is, yet we are not okay with not "knowing"...we must drive to figure Him out. And maybe spiritual maturity results in less predictability, more unknowns, and having your life less "together"...ultimately, "out of control," in places we could never have planned or imagined, often times less than ideal.

Embrace relational uncertainty - it is called romance.
Embrace spiritual uncertainty - it is called mystery.
Embrace occupational uncertainty - it is called destiny.
Embrace emotional uncertainty - it is called joy.
Embrace intellectual uncertainty - it is called revelation.

Embracing uncertainty because it is freeing...these are all the "costs" - or maybe really gains - of following Jesus.

i am not skilled...

"To understand...what God has willed, what God has planned...I only know at His right hand, stands One who is my Savior" (opening lyrics to Aaron Shust My Savior My God).

I am thankful that God hovers over the chaos, the unknowns, seemingly random situations in my life...hovering ready to create order and beauty...

And I don't have to understand. I do not even possess the skills nor control to do so...God does not expect me to figure it out. I get to trust Him and joyfully watch it unfold.

Psalm 16:11, "You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore."

There it is again...His right hand...

To be positioned at God's right hand is a place of honor...and there is Jesus...pleasures forevermore.

So here I sit, here I rest...completely frustrated, humbled, needy...yet in a place of honor and privilege...in my Savior's presence, fullness of joy...that is all I know, know by faith...the path of my life.

pure joy

What does this mean when it feels like so many things that bring me joy are taken...and though only temporary, they are still gone? Yet my joy is not dependent upon my circumstances. Joy is a pervasive sense of well-being...it is not dependent upon a specific object and pure joy does not waiver. Even more, it is the basic element of inner transformation into Christ-likeness and the outer life that flows from this change.

So what feels like joy stripped from me is actually joy being refined, manifested, multiplied...

Ah Jesus, You are bringing change...more like you...

Further, complete or full joy (what Jesus is talking about in John 15:11 when He says, "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.") is my first line of defense against weakness, failure, disease of my mind and body. Thus, the "joy of the Lord is my strength." Pure joy is nothing the enemy can steal from me and it is certainly the path to not only recognize, but to also overcome his lies.

I am here at this moment, in uncertainty...my body is "diseased" and my bone is literally frail and bruised...yet my joy does not have to change...

Psalm 16:11 points to my source of joy..."You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at your right hand there are pleasures forevermore." This says nothing about joy in this world...it only comes by remaining in Him (John 15).

I am in this place now, like Paul speaks about in Acts 2:25-28 when he refers to David..."For He is at my right hand that I may not be shaken or overthrown or cast down from my secure and happy state"...this is an extremely bold statement speaking out of pure hope in His God..."therefore my heart rejoiced"...David rejoiced in seeing the Lord keep him in this place of joy rather than live by his physical, outward circumstances...

Take this heart there Jesus...

My same God empowers me to do the same...

"Moreover, my flesh also will dwell in hope...You have made known to me the ways of life; You will enrapture me, diffusing my soul with joy, with and in Your presence."

That is a verse I will stand on when my weakness, disability, "disease" try to bring me low...they cannot touch my heart and mind. Jesus has them already...I know this because His Word speaks this...Philippians 4:7, "And God's peace shall be mine, that tranquil state of soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over my heart and mind in Christ Jesus." What?!

Romans 15:13, "May the God of your hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing through the experience of your faith that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing (bubbling over!) with hope." I can stand in the experiences of Your faithfulness to enable me to stand now, believing in hope that You are so good...

I have seen Your hand so graciously in this journey so far...and excited at the anticipation of how I will know and experience You in and through my life more...this is Your path for me right now, to experience more joy in Joy...You...and somehow, this is best.

independence

I have been thinking about what it really means to be "independent," especially in our culture where we are not only encouraged but pressured to be such. But I am realizing more and more that independence is such a Western culture mindset, one that ultimately functions on rejection. We don't "need" because it is considered "weak"...but really we don't "need" because it feels safer to not be rejected, or at least risk being rejected.

So this is how we learn to live, tend to function...out of our insecurity and woundedness...and then we reject people just like we have been. Instead of living within relationships, together, how we were designed to live through Jesus, we keep the vicious cycle going. Even more, we strive to "prove" because we have been rejected, which pushes us deeper into the lie that we don't need others and live even more alone - independent.

This life is contrary to Jesus. To be independent means "not subject to the control or influence of others (this would include God); not connected; self-supportive." This is really sad, to think that our world encourages, motivates, drives us, to be "successfully" independent. Truth is, it is all the rejection of God...and placing our self as god. It all makes sense.

Yet God is the only being who is perfectly independent.