uncertainty

"Maybe faith has less to do with gaining knowledge and more to do with causing wonder"...

These words jumped off the page at me as I read them recently...we are about "defining" and getting wiser, thus theology is our definition of God as we "study" Him...but God was never meant to be "studied," much less defined, especially by finite beings. He was meant to actively live in and through our lives.

The world is about education and gaining knowledge so that we are more "successful," earn more money, move up the food chain...

Yet Jesus is the opposite, again contrary on all levels of this world and what the world has told us to be true. Thus, our walk with God - our faith - should only push us deeper into awe and wonder and worship of our Creator, giving worth to Him alone. Sometimes I think that "figuring" God out by gaining knowledge steers us away from worship rather than into the reverent presence of God. In His Word, God says that He is a "mystery"...and He really is, yet we are not okay with not "knowing"...we must drive to figure Him out. And maybe spiritual maturity results in less predictability, more unknowns, and having your life less "together"...ultimately, "out of control," in places we could never have planned or imagined, often times less than ideal.

Embrace relational uncertainty - it is called romance.
Embrace spiritual uncertainty - it is called mystery.
Embrace occupational uncertainty - it is called destiny.
Embrace emotional uncertainty - it is called joy.
Embrace intellectual uncertainty - it is called revelation.

Embracing uncertainty because it is freeing...these are all the "costs" - or maybe really gains - of following Jesus.

i am not skilled...

"To understand...what God has willed, what God has planned...I only know at His right hand, stands One who is my Savior" (opening lyrics to Aaron Shust My Savior My God).

I am thankful that God hovers over the chaos, the unknowns, seemingly random situations in my life...hovering ready to create order and beauty...

And I don't have to understand. I do not even possess the skills nor control to do so...God does not expect me to figure it out. I get to trust Him and joyfully watch it unfold.

Psalm 16:11, "You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore."

There it is again...His right hand...

To be positioned at God's right hand is a place of honor...and there is Jesus...pleasures forevermore.

So here I sit, here I rest...completely frustrated, humbled, needy...yet in a place of honor and privilege...in my Savior's presence, fullness of joy...that is all I know, know by faith...the path of my life.

pure joy

What does this mean when it feels like so many things that bring me joy are taken...and though only temporary, they are still gone? Yet my joy is not dependent upon my circumstances. Joy is a pervasive sense of well-being...it is not dependent upon a specific object and pure joy does not waiver. Even more, it is the basic element of inner transformation into Christ-likeness and the outer life that flows from this change.

So what feels like joy stripped from me is actually joy being refined, manifested, multiplied...

Ah Jesus, You are bringing change...more like you...

Further, complete or full joy (what Jesus is talking about in John 15:11 when He says, "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.") is my first line of defense against weakness, failure, disease of my mind and body. Thus, the "joy of the Lord is my strength." Pure joy is nothing the enemy can steal from me and it is certainly the path to not only recognize, but to also overcome his lies.

I am here at this moment, in uncertainty...my body is "diseased" and my bone is literally frail and bruised...yet my joy does not have to change...

Psalm 16:11 points to my source of joy..."You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at your right hand there are pleasures forevermore." This says nothing about joy in this world...it only comes by remaining in Him (John 15).

I am in this place now, like Paul speaks about in Acts 2:25-28 when he refers to David..."For He is at my right hand that I may not be shaken or overthrown or cast down from my secure and happy state"...this is an extremely bold statement speaking out of pure hope in His God..."therefore my heart rejoiced"...David rejoiced in seeing the Lord keep him in this place of joy rather than live by his physical, outward circumstances...

Take this heart there Jesus...

My same God empowers me to do the same...

"Moreover, my flesh also will dwell in hope...You have made known to me the ways of life; You will enrapture me, diffusing my soul with joy, with and in Your presence."

That is a verse I will stand on when my weakness, disability, "disease" try to bring me low...they cannot touch my heart and mind. Jesus has them already...I know this because His Word speaks this...Philippians 4:7, "And God's peace shall be mine, that tranquil state of soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over my heart and mind in Christ Jesus." What?!

Romans 15:13, "May the God of your hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing through the experience of your faith that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing (bubbling over!) with hope." I can stand in the experiences of Your faithfulness to enable me to stand now, believing in hope that You are so good...

I have seen Your hand so graciously in this journey so far...and excited at the anticipation of how I will know and experience You in and through my life more...this is Your path for me right now, to experience more joy in Joy...You...and somehow, this is best.

independence

I have been thinking about what it really means to be "independent," especially in our culture where we are not only encouraged but pressured to be such. But I am realizing more and more that independence is such a Western culture mindset, one that ultimately functions on rejection. We don't "need" because it is considered "weak"...but really we don't "need" because it feels safer to not be rejected, or at least risk being rejected.

So this is how we learn to live, tend to function...out of our insecurity and woundedness...and then we reject people just like we have been. Instead of living within relationships, together, how we were designed to live through Jesus, we keep the vicious cycle going. Even more, we strive to "prove" because we have been rejected, which pushes us deeper into the lie that we don't need others and live even more alone - independent.

This life is contrary to Jesus. To be independent means "not subject to the control or influence of others (this would include God); not connected; self-supportive." This is really sad, to think that our world encourages, motivates, drives us, to be "successfully" independent. Truth is, it is all the rejection of God...and placing our self as god. It all makes sense.

Yet God is the only being who is perfectly independent.

great expectations?

Here is a thought to chew on, wrestle with, maybe even push back on...

"To the degree that you resort to expectations and responsibilities (upon others), to that degree you neither know God nor trust Him."

Here is what is stirring within me...and though articulating my heart and where it is at is often confusing, I hope my feeble words will do justice to what God is teaching me...

I do believe that the degree to which I live in expectations and responsibilities is the degree to which I believe God, or rather do not believe Him...ultimately expectation means "I expect to control my end result based upon my work." Expectation is about my control, thus not God's sovereignty in my life. And responsibility is my expectation, standards and judgment upon someone else, based upon my view of "good and evil" or "right and wrong" system.

All this goes back to my identity FULLY in Jesus...because if I not only knew but believed Him, Him in me, then I am free to love others and sacrificially serve them, right where they are at in their own life...whether they are "right" or "wrong" because that is irrelevant anyways in allowing Jesus to manifest His life in me. My expectations mean I am attempting to control them...but they are unique, just as their choices and relationship with Jesus is just that: between them and God alone. It is not mine, has nothing to do with me...and that is freeing.

Jesus alone is the change agent.

I want to know and trust Him so fully that my relationships are so rich...that I am able to enjoy the unique and diverse life of each individual that is either in my life or simply crosses it for a day...that I can engage other wounded, imperfect and broken people without judgment and "expectation" but only expectancy...to experience more of Jesus and walk freely in Him.

Here are the questions that I now wonder about...

How many of my relationships - family, friends, coworkers, etc. - function out of expectation...thus on rules, "supposed to's", meet my standards, essentially out of fear? How many would say they are freely loved, given grace at any time, and do not have to work to be received and loved? How many feel a subtle expectation and are driven by performance?

...because none of these are based upon the life of Jesus.

Bouncing back briefly to my last post about God's Spirit...how He moves us, "blows" us from one place to the next, all within His hand..

Walking and living in my identity in Jesus ONLY frees me up to be blown all over and having no clue at all to where I am going, what is next, yet living freely in joy in the moment. I am free from expectations. It frees me up to NOT have control, whatsoever...in the lives of others and in my own. Because my life is not my own anyways...

wind

I just read John 3:8, something I have read more times than I can remember...and like usual, God spoke to me in a whole new way through His word that brought such hope and life to my heart and spirit.

“The wind blows (breathes) where it wills; and though you hear its sound, yet you neither know where it comes from nor where it is going. SO IT IS WITH EVERYONE WHO IS BORN OF THE SPIRIT.”

I feel as if I am continually blown around by the Spirit…yet I am, when it is His breathing. What freedom this is though! “The Spirit breathes where it wills.” And I have the Spirit through Jesus…I can hear and know and follow Him. This is what it means to live by the Spirit! Adventure. I am free to enjoy this, free of expectations and the "shoulds" of this world. Just free to enjoy Jesus right now, in this very moment.

John Wesley says in his commentary, "The fact is plain, the manner of his (or her!) operations inexplicable."

Yes, my operations are inexplicable...to me, to those around me, yet not to God. And for right now, today, God's Spirit has blown me to Indiana, to Starbucks, with a burning passion to know Him more and be in the lives of others so they too would yearn for more of Him. And someday, I know that His Spirit will blow me somewhere else...

grace

This was given to me today and it articulates so well the voice of my Father, to me right now...

The Lord says, “I hear your prayers before they are voiced, but I listen still for your cry because I delight that you come to Me with your needs. I could arrange to have all your needs supplied in such a way that no requests would be necessary, but you would be unmindful of the source of your good.

When you are forced to plead with Me for your needs, you then accept My supply with a grateful spirit. This all contributes to the progress of your soul in faith and grace. The experience of prayer answered is only of incidental importance in comparison to your growth in grace and spiritual maturity.

Your love for Me, says the Lord, also deepens as you pray and receive an answer because each answer is evidence of My concern for you and My desire to bless. The more you pray, the more My love is revealed to you; thus your faith is growing strong by reason of the exercise. Yet your heart is being melted by My love for you and your response."

And ah yes, I am okay, as I continue to walk in His love and grace.

no shame

I realize it has been a while since I have last posted anything...and I now recognize why. Shame. I don't think I have ever been a person who has struggled with shame, but I see how the enemy has been beating me up by it. I am ashamed of my life right now, bottom line. I am not where I "want" to be or even think I "should" be spiritually, I don't feel God's presence in my life (but I know faith is not a feeling), much less desiring to spend time with Him. I feel like I am merely surviving in my life rather than living abundantly like I know He desires me to live. I struggle to believe God has my best in mind and I am not this "fearless" minister of the Gospel. I feel I have failed, lost my direction, my passion and vision. I am tired, burned out, beat up...

I think I even feel ashamed to go before Him.

The enemy, our accuser, uses isolation to speak lies. We cannot hear the truth when we are not surrounded by Jesus, by others who know Him and can speak truth to us. Thinking becomes distorted, reality becomes blurred, confusion and guilt set in.

Yet I am not destroyed...and I know that God wants to deliver me. He is my Deliverer. I must cry out...there is no shame in this.

Isaiah 50:7 says, "Therefore I have set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame."

He has led me this far, He'll continue to lead me...and ultimately, this place where my heart is at, somewhat alone and lost and feeling so far from Him, it is not in His will. And it is not a geographical location that He longs to take me...it is back into His heart, deeper into Him and Love...gently by His grace and compassion, through His Word and His body...You just want me.

God I am desperate to keep my heart before You, in You. There is no shame here.

saturday

Funny that the title to this entry is the day that I will leave Berlin for a while...and not necessarily in my choosing or my time table, but certainly one that God has planned.

When I think about Christ's account on the cross, how He died on Friday and arose on Sunday, bringing me life both eternal and now, I never once think about Saturday. George Steiner said, "But ours is the long day's journey of the Saturday."

"Long day's journey"...How many times in my life do I feel like I am trapped or stuck, waiting in Saturday for Sunday to come, when I can rest in Saturday because the victory already came on Friday? I can stand, waiting expectantly in hope, for Sunday, enjoying the "now" and "here," being "nowhere" but here. Because I know that Sunday will come...it has before and still will.

Even more, how hard is it to have joy in the now and here? This requires so much, living in a world where I cannot control anything yet want to try and control everything. This kind of joy is not of this world because it is only a gift that comes in Christ.

Joy is about "what is" while fear is about "what if." And just as much as Joy is about the known and fear is about the unknown, fear is also about what has not come and Joy is about what has come...Jesus. "What is" the truth of what is known in Christ? He has come, is coming, and will continue to come...which means fear must leave. Joy has come, is here and now, the ongoing Presence of Him. Fear and joy cannot co-exist, and this is freedom to trust in both the known and unknown.

Joy is freely living in the here and now, on Saturday, knowing without question that God is present...joy enables me to trust my Father as I live in Today.

alive!

Someone recently passed this on to me...and until now, John 20:6-7 has never impacted me like this before.

"Then Simon Peter, who was behind him (John), arrived and went into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus' head. The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen."

John (20:7) tells us that the napkin (linen), which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the other grave clothes. The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed at the head of that stony coffin.

So why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His resurrection?

In order to understand the significance of the folded linen, you have to understand the Hebrew tradition of that day. A folded napkin had to do with the Master and servant, and every Jewish boy knew this tradition. When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it. The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished. Now if the master was done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up the napkin and toss it onto the table. The servant would then know to clear the table. In those days, the wadded napkin meant, "I'm done." But, if the master got up from the table, folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because the folded napkin meant, "I'm coming back!"

purest place

The lyrics to a song I have heard countless times stirred my heart for more of the "purest place" I can ever be...

Paint me with Your purity
That I'd attract Your majesty
When others boast in fame and gold
The purest place is where I'll go

The purest place I will draw near
Do what it takes to keep me here
In the center of Your heart
The purest place is where You are

It's not with masses, not with kings
Not in these songs, or offerings
Not in this life, or what it brings
The purest place is You my King

If there's such thing as too beautiful
If there's such things as too wonderful
If there's such thing as too marvelous
Jesus it's You, Jesus it's You

It's You my King,
It's You my King
The purest place, is You my King

When the world all around me is screaming "self", the purest place is where I long to go. Oh that fame and recognition would quickly push me to His heart and not to my self! "Do what it takes to keep me here"...is He ever doing this, so painfully. Yet my heart desires to be and remain in this "purest place," the center of His heart. Only He is in this place and none of me. What must this be like to experience such Purity?

The "purest place" is His heart. It is completely unadulterated, whole and complete, with no impurities, as pure gold, which only comes refined by fire. And my life, it is in the fire, becoming more pure, so that my heart too would one day be the purest place.

If there is any thing as "too beautiful...too wonderful...too marvelous," it is only Jesus.

The purest place, Father, align my heart with Yours. Do what it takes.

or unique

Adding to my previous wrestlings with "competitor"...the contrast is "unique." If I am unique, then I am not comparable to anything else. Isn't that what I want? What we all want?

Unique by definition is "existing as the only one; incomparable; only specimen of a given kind; being the only one of its kind; without an equal."

Reread those last three words...

Why do I compare (and therefore compete) when everything in me wants to be unique, yet I do not value or even appreciate my created uniqueness by my Creator? Our uniqueness is given. We cannot create it. Freedom comes when we see, know and rest in this. It is a grasping of Truth in the heart.

My actions say I want to be the same as those around me. Somehow I want to be equal or even superior to those around me, yet just as much different. How confusing!

In my search for uniqueness, I will end up on one of two roads...competing to find my uniqueness, which is really striving to be like someone else, or knowing and trusting Jesus. I am already fully "unique" in Him.

competitor?

I recently said to someone, "I am a competitor. It is part of who I am," to which his response was, "Is it? What does God say about competing and competition?" That left me puzzled, because I thought I knew all about this. Yet my spirit was left unsettled and has led me on this journey to know truth: to know God more in my questions about being competitive, "striving," to "rival" and the like.

By definition, "compete" is to strive or claim to be equal. "Competitor" is one who seeks to obtain what another seeks. "Competition" is strife for superiority. Further, "comparison" is a form of competition. Also, "rival" is one striving to equal or exceed another; standing in competition for superiority.

When I compete, I do so to prove myself, to show I am better, to gain glory. This is the motive of my heart. When I play more, play better, I "feel" better...but do I? This is not of God, and it would never be enough.

Does competing drive me nearer to God or does it cause me to lust after everything of this world?

A quote worth wrestling with:

Satan's entire kingdom runs on the principle of competition; just the opposite of God's Kingdom where everyone serves each other.

Competition, yes, it is the way of the world. It is how we function, think, live. Yet we are from a higher Kingdom.

Are we called to compete or to serve?

When I am a "competitor" it is about me, what I "deserve"...winning the praise of others, drawing attention to myself...ultimately my pride and vain glory. There is no fruit of the Spirit in my life. None.

So what is sport? How do I "compete" without being "competitive?" God's design in creating sport, I believe, is to worship Him and reflect His glory, through following the rules and by serving my teammates out of a changed heart of humility and grace. Further, I have no "rights" nor can I demand justice or fairness. When I play in such a way that serves my team, it brings unity to our body on the floor, and in this, the fruits of the Spirit are manifested. And strangely enough, I am a "better" player according to the world's standards.

Somewhere in this place that I cannot attain is freedom...but how?

I would be lying to you if I said that I know "how" to "do" these things in the midst of playing a sport that has lied to me for so long. The world trains us up to "strive" for superiority and my flesh knows nothing else. But the Spirit in me, He is doing the work of humility as God continues to whisper, "Just be with me." This is all a mystery to me, sanctification...but just this past Friday, I believe it was the first time in my life that no false motive or prideful thought ran through my mind the entire practice!

Stop trying.

God is manifesting His glory but we cannot always see it. Yet I am convinced that those around us do as we long to know Him more. And I believe that God wants to show us a way of not just playing sport, but living life, that is so contrary to this world that we do not even have a category for it in our minds. My mind cannot fathom basketball fully redeemed in His glory, where there is total freedom and joy in my spirit, regardless of circumstances around me. But I know it is a place of experiencing God in all His glory, where all I want to do is throw my hands up in the air in total worship. This is freedom, redemption, glory...forget the game.

Philippians 2:3 says, "Let nothing be done through strife or vain glory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves." What does this really mean?

I stumbled across this in a commentary...


This command forbids us to do anything, or attempt anything as the mere result of strife. This is not the principle from which we are to act, or by which we are to be governed. We are to form no plan, and aim at no object which is to be secured in this way. The command prohibits all attempts to secure anything over others by mere physical strength, or by superiority of intellect or numbers. or as the result of dark schemes and plans formed by rivalry, or by the indulgence of angry passions, or with the spirit of ambition. We are not to attempt to do anything merely by outstripping others, or by showing that we have more talent, courage, or zeal. What we do is to be by principle, and with a desire to maintain the truth, and to glorify God. And yet how often is this rule violated!

We would never be the same if we allowed God to glorify His life in our lives the way He so desperately desires. We do not even have a concept of what this would look like. But Father, give it to us...and give us the grace to boldly ask.

thorn

In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, Paul talks about this continual "thorn" in his side, which is like a splinter that keeps nagging him and reminding him of his weakness. I can imagine that Paul so desperately wanted to rid himself of it, pleading with God to remove it. Yet God did not, and instead used this painful splinter as a way to #1, administer His grace to Paul, and #2, as a way to glorify Himself through Paul's life.

My own thorn continues to manifest itself in this ridiculous game of basketball. Ah, the joys and frustrations of this sport! I cannot make sense of it, and I do not think I am supposed to. Paul could not grasp his thorn either. Yet I manage to beat myself up about not "arriving" in my spiritual maturity, and feel so shamed to admit that I still wrestle with the lies of identity and worth revolving around this game. Even to write this, I wonder what you will think..."she still fails in this area...how long has she walked through this..." How quickly I can go places in my mind that are neither real nor true...my assumptions lead to anxiety...I have taken my eyes off the very One who calls me "beloved."

He is waiting for me to turn to Him to pick me up, to receive His grace. And in all my shame, believing the lie that I should have already "cleaned myself" up and that Christ has already given me enough grace in this area of my life, I still try to "get through" the lies on my own. But I have realized the "thorn" is not bad; in fact, it is a way to receive and experience more of His grace. Why is this so difficult for my flesh to accept? Pride...my pride manifests itself, believing that I have "conquered" this sin in my life. Yet this thorn has pricked deeper into my side so that I would know more of Him. When the arrows fly, Jesus is longing for me to press deeper into Him...where He can speak to me, love me, give me abundant grace, manifest His power at work within my weakness. And I am so weak.

God give me the grace to hear your voice in these moments! Give me the eyes to see You, so I would "behold" You to "become" more like Jesus (2 Corinthians 3:18).

God cannot love me any more or any less, no matter what I do. His love for me is based entirely upon His grace. And He does not quit or give up. He does not start something without finishing, and I am still His work in progress (Philippians 1:6-7). But I think I am right where He wants me.

This "thorn" is His grace...

same lies, different day

Last night a close friend called, and though it was late, the Lord knew it was exactly what we both needed...to "need" together in community and bring our struggles into the light, even if 6 times zones and thousands of miles separated us.

What I am getting at is this...Satan is crafty and somewhat intelligent as to how he gets us to buy into his crap, but let's be honest, he stands no chance and is a fool to think that at the end of the day he holds victory. As my friend spoke of her struggles, I asked her the lies that she hears and is believing. And as she shared them, I realized that those were the exact same lies I was hearing and believing! The only difference was our situations.

It brought me such freedom knowing that first, I was not alone, and second, that though the enemy does not play fair, he had been exposed! I think we would each be surprised if we were honest with one another, with the struggles and lies that we hear daily, because we are really not alone in the battle at all. Satan is rather limited in his craftiness and his pathetic lies, and we have the power and the authority to stand over him. But it is our choice.

Last night, my friend and I fought our lies together, and it brought such life to my spirit. I knew I was not alone, that my fellow believing brothers and sisters were also the same target for the enemy's same flaming arrows and he had now been exposed. Even more, where two or more are gathered in Jesus' name, He is there too. I experienced it yet again.

Stand in the Truth.

dreamful or dreamless?

I have thought much about this subject the past few months, and again, as God would so hilariously do, brings it up further in a book I am reading called Soul Cravings. Something the author, Erwin McManus, mentions really resonated with me:

"As children we assume that greatness is within our grasp. Whatever inspires us, we begin to dream that one day we will be the best. It is only as we lose our childlike innocence that we begin to settle for far less. A part of growing up seems to be acquiescing to mediocrity. It's easy to say that we're just becoming realistic, that it's just part of growing up. But, in fact, it's the death of our souls. When we stop dreaming, we start dying."

When did we stop dreaming? And do we even have dreams for our lives anymore? When is it not okay to dream big, because God gives us dreams...and desires and visions and goals...and yes, they are usually "out of the box"...but then again, God has no boxes.

Only Jesus allows us to freely dream, and then go after that dream, whether it makes "sense" or not. The world says it is okay to dream, but when it comes to actually taking steps in the direction of our heart, maybe out of the box, it is subtly communicated not to. By pursuing visions, desires and dreams that are not "normal" we are relying on the power of Jesus within us, His dream, because truth is there is no other way. As children of God, we were designed for greatness. Yet there is an enemy and he, via the world, says otherwise. John 10:10 makes that clear..."The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." The enemy manages to get most people to settle for mud pies when Christ is waiting for us at His full banquet table!

So what is a dream? Webster says it is a series of thoughts not under the command of reason, and hence wild and irregular; in scripture, they were sometimes impressions on the minds of sleeping persons, made by divine agency (why can't dreams be the same today? If scripture is still alive and active and being written in and through our lives, why are we not still free to dream?); to think, to imagine; to be sluggish, to waste time in vain thoughts, as to dream away life (now this I find interesting, because this defines the first part of John 10:10, which is "to steal and kill and destroy").

So the question is, are we dreamful or dreamless? Are we "full of dreams" or "free from dreams"? I want to be a dreamer, after more of Jesus' heart, one who is visionary, who dreams, lost in wild imagination of who Jesus could be in and through my life.