ice pick

Sometimes I feel like God's refining in my life is more like an ice pick...only small bits at a time yet so painful to my flesh...but the end result is I become more like Jesus, God's design in sanctification, and others get to see more of Him manifested in my life...which at the end of the day is what I long for...but I am not going to lie, the ice pick hurts.

I have become so acutely aware of my need to "validate" myself, to prove both my worth and inclusion, rather than allowing all these things to be enough in Him...

How can I ask for more of Jesus in my life without expecting to be weak, so that His power can be made manifest? There is no other way...

And the ice pick feels like a double-edged sword...

But it's not...and my heart knows this...because with each uncomfortable moment, each circumstance that I want to crawl out of my skin, is a moment to nail a bit more of my flesh to...more dying of my self...less of me and more of Him.

How many times have I felt, been told, that my life reflects Paul's life...quite honestly, not sure how I feel about that, but at any rate I believe there is an element of truth to this...maybe for all of us to some degree.

2 Corinthians 4:5, 8, 10 say, "For what we preach is not ourselves but Jesus Christ as Lord, and not ourselves merely as your servants for Jesus' sake...we suffer embarrassments and are perplexed and unable to find a way out, but not driven to despair...always carrying about in my body the liability and exposure to the same putting to death that the Lord Jesus suffered, so that the resurrection life of Jesus also may be shown forth by and in our bodies." Paul does not say "maybe" because these two coincide. Just as my flesh is put to death more and more within me, more of Jesus life is transformed into mine...again, this can only happen when I am weak, broken, humbled, "suffering" the same as Him so that I can also then experience more of His resurrection power and life.

There is no other way...

"For just as Christ's own sufferings fall to our lot, as they overflow upon His disciples, and we share and experience them abundantly, so through Christ, comfort, consolation and encouragement is also shared and experienced abundantly by us (2Cor1:5)," followed by v.11, "For we who live are constantly experiencing, being handed over to death (fleshly death) for Jesus' sake, that the resurrection life of Jesus also may be evidenced through our flesh which is liable to death."

My human weakness provides the occasion and backdrop for an incredible story of Christ's love, grace and power to be made manifest in my life...it is the stage for the triumph of divine power.

God by Your grace, help me along this beautiful "ice pick" way.

humility

The process of humility in our lives is part of our sanctification...just when I feel like I have reached the pinnacle of humility, God takes me even deeper...and as much as I hate being laid low, I know that this is the place that Christ meets me, refines me, molds me, makes me more like Himself...

My desire is God Himself, at any cost, by any road...

John 3:30, "He must increase, but I must decrease. He must grow more prominent; I must grow less so"...

John 12:24, "Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just one grain; it never becomes more but lives by itself alone. But if it dies, it produces many others and yields a rich harvest"...the earth, it is the bottom, low...it is here that I must not only depend upon Jesus for my identity, my security, my worth, my provision, and my very life, but it is also from here that He can build and raise me up into the harvest He desires and intends. Even more, a solo "grain" can never become more apart from this place of humility...it remains alone, lives by itself...I want to be more, more of Him.

Paul says in Romans 12:3, " For by the grace, the unmerited favor of God, given to me I warn everyone among you not to estimate and think of himself more highly than he ought, not to have an exaggerated opinion of his own importance, but to rate his ability with sober judgment, each according to the degree of faith apportioned by God to him"...how sobering is this truth?

My passion is to multiply my life, but that cannot happen nor be understood until I am brought low to then be exalted in, through and by Jesus alone...leading to a "rich harvest," probably two-fold: in my life and in others.

And knowing firmly that my present journey is God's call upon my life enables me to transcend my circumstances, freeing me to walk in joy, peace, contentment and security. This does not mean the journey is always pleasant, but it is bringing glory to God because I am becoming more like Him.

go in God's peace

1 Thessalonians 3:16, "Now may the Lord of peace Himself grant you His peace, the peace of His kingdom at all times and in all ways under all circumstances and conditions, whatever comes..."

What can I say about my life in this moment, all the unknown and random circumstances that entail it? Yes, the "unknowns" continue to be the theme.

"Whatever comes"...more unknowns..."all circumstances and conditions"... The author of Thessalonians, Paul, lived with and without, yet was fully satisfied and met by the Lord, which is why he said to go in Christ's peace, because he lived there. The peace of God's kingdom demands me to live in that Kingdom...seeing and hearing and walking by foolish faith...

Which is what I feel like I am doing.

Yet in all the unknowns and "whatever comes," His faithfulness continues to be greater. He has not stopped speaking through so many different avenues...

Go in My peace.

When Jesus directs my steps, I am not left in want...even if I do live in the "without" by all worldly definitions. I think the more I "have" the more I worry and the more I must attempt to control. So I want less of this world and more of Jesus...

Maybe that is exactly what He is giving me right now.

Go in My peace.

fret

For whatever reason, these past weeks I have spent considerable time in Psalm 37, especially verse 8..."Do not fret - it leads only to evil." In other words, anxiousness leads to sin.

By definition, "to fret" is...to express worry, annoyance, discontentment; to be eaten at, corrosion, wearing away, gnawed; worn; torment, irritate, consume; eroded place; irritation of mind, agitation; to gnaw with teeth in manner of rodent!

Yet even more, anxiety itself is sin. All the feelings and fears and angst that come with "fretting" are all...

1. lies
2. based upon "what ifs" and assumptions
3. sin because it is not trusting God and it leads to "evil" or "evildoing"...i.e. sin.

To fret is to not walk in Truth, and instead entertains the voice of the enemy, trailing off to "never-never land" and not living in the presence of God's inner voice.

Further, what I also realize in my fretting, my motivations change...I seek more love in all the wrong places because I have forgotten my true identity as His beloved. I become consumed by money, or lack thereof, and what I "need" to merely get by. In this, I continue to discover money truly is the root of all evil. Our entire world revolves around it...our thoughts, lives, energy...everything we do. Yet God does not function in this kingdom; His is greater. His Kingdom is life in Him, with Him, the unseen.

God commands me to not fret. What is the opposite of fret? Trust. It means to trust what I cannot see yet my spirit knows...to be Kingdom-minded...seeking not to understand but to merely trust. God is faithful to His promises...it will not come in the way I expect and there is nothing to hold on to but this promise. Trust.

Psalm 37

blind faith moments

My experience in walking with God is this...most times I feel completely clueless, understand nothing and cannot even see the next step in front of me...yet He is not silent...His hand is all over me, He sees me...


Even more, I am recognizing how much of this journey with Him, deeper into His heart and will and desire for my life, is not about "arriving" much less figuring His plan out...rather, it is preparation for what is next.


So as I keep stumbling blindly by faith, in this current season of preparation, here have been His moments of gentle love and grace...in the words He has spoken, how He has made Himself evident, or having simply met me in my fleshly desire to have an "answer"...


Isaiah 42:16 AMP version, "And I will bring the blind by a way that they know not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known. I will make darkness into light before them and make uneven places into a plain. These things I have determined to do for them; and I will not leave them forsaken."


Deuteronomy 31:8, "It is the Lord Who goes before you; He will march with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; let there be no cowardice or flinching, but fear not, neither become - in spirit - depressed, dismayed, and unnerved with alarm."

Psalm 31:15, "My times are in Your hands..."

Interesting fact about the chrysanthemum flower...it does not bloom until the frost, essentially when all other flowers have died or gone. What brings them to finally bloom? The longer nights! The longer nights do not just bring rest, but they also are ideal for blossoming, because the waiting in the darkness grows, develops, strengthens, prepares, brings fruition..."waiting on Him for whom it is no vain thing to wait."

My God operates on a "need-to-know" basis only. I can rest in His peace.

Ah the joy of Your very Word God...

All of Psalm 16...He is my "portion" and my inheritance...my Father alone "holds" me, "maintains" my very life and steps I take...He gives me "counsel," not man...His very Spirit within my heart "instructs me in the night seasons"...therefore, I can "rest" and "confidently dwell" in His hand, His safety..."I have set You continually before me...You will show me the path of life"...when I need to see and know, because only "in Your presence is fullness of joy"...regardless of externals, circumstances, the tangibles...

No matter what man may say, I know Your Word and will keep You continually before me.

This is grace, and knowing one's identity in Jesus alone..."Failure means nothing now, only that it taught me life. Success is meaningless, only that it gave me farther experience in using the great gift of God, Life."

Faith binds a man to what he knows inside.

Romans 1:17 reads, "For in the Gospel a righteousness which God ascribes is revealed, both springing from faith and leading to faith...disclosed through the way of faith that arouses to more faith." It is that righteousness, the mystery and the freedom of the Gospel that pushes you out over the edge, longing for more of Jesus, taking what seem to be unwise and apparent "risks," all to know and experience Jesus more...it is a way that is only known through walking blindly, yet still longing for more of the unknown because it drives us deeper, not only deeper trust but deeper knowing of the One who leads...because "as it is written, the man who through faith is just and upright shall live and shall live by faith." Not only do I draw my life by this way, but this is the only way...I am only righteous and justified by faith...how can I expect to live but by any other way? I "shall live and shall live by faith"...

Faith is - not alone in facts and a rational apologetic - but in the reality of the inward work of the anointing which he possesses through the gift of the Spirit.

strings

I believe in the God who pulls strings through circumstances.

Hebrews 11:8, "Urged on by faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed and went forth to a place which he was destined to receive as an inheritance; and he went although he did not know or trouble his mind about where he was to go."

And so I walk...towards my inheritance that You have called me to.

Jeremiah 10:23, "Lord, I know that the determination of the way of a man is not in himself; it is not in man, even in man at his best, to direct his own steps."

Me at my best is still dirty rags in Your sight. I truly am powerless apart from dependence.

Proverbs 20:24, "Man's steps are ordered by the Lord. How then can a man understand his way?"

I cannot.

Psalm 37:23, "The steps of a good man (woman) are directed and established by the Lord when He (God) delights in his (her) way and He (God) busies Himself with his (her) EVERY step."

You don't lead me part way then stop.

So I walk with You, following Your lead, towards my inheritance of more Life, wholeness, holiness, love and grace...because You pull strings through circumstances to glorify Yourself.

waiting...

Why is it always such a mystery to me how God uses affliction to make me beautiful? To make me more like Himself? He is constantly humbling me, making me powerless, forcing me to walk in unknown paths that are so uncomfortable I cry out to Him like the Psalmist in Chapter 130. I feel like I am the watchman waiting for the morning, longing for relief not yet granted, for a grasp of what is next and what my God is doing...

Yet even as I wait, I wait with hopeful expectation, knowing because of His faithfulness in my life that this walk of faith is a walk of blind trust...

And that is what my Savior loves.

What I love is that He always manages to speak to me, to give me just what I need when I feel like I might drown, a taste of His incredible grace at the exact moment my heart is longing for more...

"Broken"

I have given all I have
You have shaken my foundations
In You I know that there is so much more
My strength has failed me
I look to You now.

Broken...at the foot of the cross I stand.
Broken...at the foot of the cross I stand.

Sometimes I feel so small
Afraid I have lost my way
Reaching for something that I don't really know
But You take my hand and gently embrace my soul.

Reaching...for the hem of Your robe I am.
Reaching...for the hem of Your robe I am.

I know how I have seen
Of the greatness of this King
And so, humble knees, I bow
Before Your glory and reach out.

Waiting...just to hear You speak to me.
Waiting...just to hear You speak to me.

God, I am longing for more of You...not the "answers" or even understanding...but ultimately more of You, even for just the hem of Your robe. You have humbled me greatly in Your provision and Spirit at work these past weeks...

I know that You have my best in mind...and so I will wait. Expectantly.

crazy

Matchbox Twenty sings a song called Unwell and every time I hear it, I reflect on my journey with Christ...because quite honestly, walking with Him is exactly like the line "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell"...and I think I am crazy, by most worldly ideals, standards, and labels...and ruined for more of Jesus.

The more I walk with Jesus, the more my life does not make sense...and the more I think about "being someone or something" or what I "should be doing with my life" because I feel a loss of purpose, vision, and drive, becoming so overwhelmed with the "crazy" in my life...

And then God faithfully meets me.

Philippians 3:7-14 sums up my purpose...that I may know Him...that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His person more strongly and clearly...in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection which it exerts over me as His disciple...and share His sufferings as to be continually transformed in spirit into His likeness even to His death, in hope that if possible I may attain to the spiritual and moral resurrection that lifts me out from among the dead.

My purpose is not to work, or be active, or essentially to find my identity in any "things"...rather, my purpose is to know Jesus. My purpose in today is to know and walk with Him by the power of His Spirit. It is to spend my time helping and serving others who may never love me back and never show gratitude for what I gave up. Further, it is not to control or figure anything out about all the unknowns and uncertainties in my life...it is simply to live in today with Him alone, still walking blindly by faith in what often feels like "risk" and "out of control," offering ALL of my trust...

Because that is all I have.

I am crazy and ruined for more of Jesus.