overwhelmed

Today was my birthday, my first birthday in Deutschland. Tonight, many of my teammates planned a Turkish birthday dinner, in celebration of me. Why God? Really? I have only been here 6 weeks. How can I possibly feel so loved, be so loved, by man and by You?

What is this life-consuming, radical love I feel? How can a love be so consuming that there are no words to define? And I have it...I walk with Him every day and experience His presence to the point of being overwhelmed. And that is what I am right now...overwhelmed. Amazing God, amazing love, I can do nothing but rejoice. My heart is so full, flooded, speechless...

God, I came here, after Your heart and Your voice, yet completely blind...abandoned to You...I came too, to love on and reflect Your love to those around me, namely, my teammates. What is this "weighty" love that I feel? How do I even tell You how "grateful," how "blessed" I am? These words sell You short! And as I live here, love You, know You more, You love through me, to those around me, and that is why they are attracted to me...because it is not me, but You. It can be nothing else. They are drawn to You in me, and as they are drawn to You, You somehow love me through them being drawn to Yourself in me! How is this love possible? What is this supernatural love? And who am I?

I have no category, much less words...Your love is truly incomprehensible and overwhelming, so heavy...immersed...I can find no words to describe my heart right now.

judgment

I hate that my first thought when I look at someone who has just stepped out of church to have a smoke is judgment. I do not even have to "think"...it quickly and automatically runs through my mind before I realize the thoughts are rampant. Who taught me that? Was it the world, or was it the church?

I have no idea about their story, where they are at on their journey, and I judge them according to my own view: my self-righteous, "churchy," "have it all together," prideful flesh. But the truth is, this person very well could be more passionately in love with Jesus, who just happens to struggle with this tangible addiction, which is no different than my struggle with seeking approval from others. The only difference is, you just would not know it because you cannot see it.

Further, why do I create a "me" versus "them" mindset, as if I set myself apart from the real world I live in? There is no Christ sub-culture; there is only culture, with its own history and uniqueness that make itself different from another. And that culture is still Christ's culture - He is still there.

Jesus, retrain and restore my mind to how you intended and designed it: like You. Strip away my judgments and replace them with your love. I am so needy...

undiscipline

Obedience to God vs. self-discipline...I have lots of time to reflect, particularly on the events and circumstances in my life. Situations that seem "random" but they are God's appointed order, His divine designs that happen anywhere and everywhere. If I view my "random" circumstances through my fleshly eyes, I am like Peter: sinking, and fast! But if I choose to walk with eyes of faith, being obedient whether my vision or dream or desire is in my proper order, than God can do abundantly more than I can ever ask, think or imagine. Do I believe this?

Oswald Chambers. The man walked with God. In "My Utmost For His Highest," November 14 excerpt, he says, "Beware of being obsessed with consistency to your own convictions instead of being devoted to God." Am I more obsessed with my discipline to the physical...training, being prepared, basketball, and how "I" think it must look, because that is what you "do"? And if it does not fall into place that way, than I must change something or "do" more? But this is how I have always done things. Do I dare to function differently now, as I am more sanctified to His image, His mind? Quite possibly, and maybe I am not supposed to do anything besides be obedient to the "randomness," go with what makes no sense to me, and completely defy my ideas of discipline...to follow unreason, inconsistency, what seems absurd, but really is the guidance of the One within me, choosing to see Him in the "random" events that are nothing less than His order.

Consistency is my order, planned and designed events; inconsistency is God's order. There was never a more inconsistent person on earth than Jesus, but He was never inconsistent with His Father, as He was led by His Father. And my life is now the same, led by my Shepherd's voice...completely contrary to this world, but nevertheless the leading of His sanctifying Spirit within me who intercedes on my behalf when I am about to drown. And what Mr. Chambers states is true: "The important consistency in a saint is not to a principle but to the divine life. It is the divine life that continually makes more and more discoveries about the divine mind."

The last time I checked, the divine life is entirely contrary to this world. Maybe I should begin thinking opposite of what this world trains me to think and walk in the way of undiscipline to self. And it makes no human sense.

zeal

Yesterday I was reading about Christ's zeal, His dying passion for God; it literally consumed Him, "ate Him up." His zeal inflamed His Spirit, affections, took all of His time and strength, to the very end of His life. In John 2:17, He desperately wanted people to know the abundant life and true freedom that God had for them. Christ simply wanted people to "get it"...to know Himself. But they missed Him in their religion.

Jesus zealousness for God included freeing the gospel from those that bound it, from religion, from institutions, from human fallacies that claim a greater knowledge than others, from man-made laws. His zeal ushered in the liberating gospel of grace and love and truth. My zeal for Him must be the same; the truth of His truths, what true worship is in the "temple" of my life now ("in Spirit and in truth", John 4:23-24), and not to any fallible man-designed principles. Jesus said in John 8:32, "Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free."

I reflected on my own life, wondering if those who knew me, interacted with me, "experienced" me, were they experiencing Christ in such a way that they knew He was real in my life? Can they see that Jesus is my life out of my zealousness? Do I have a dying passion to know Him more and for others to experience Him the same?

Well God in all His sweetness allowed His zeal to manifest itself shortly after my time with Him in His Word. I met with a teammate to check out a gym, where I could "train" her a few times a week in strength training. Before I knew it, we were engaging in a spiritual conversation. I was becoming so excited as she asked me if I was "religious,"to which I replied, "No, I hate religion actually. It is man-made, requires a checklist be met, condemns, and is not freeing! But Jesus, I walk with Him, and here is what I mean..." For the next 15 minutes, I had the privilege to tell her about Christ, the gospel, how He has transformed my life and now is my life. And I could feel in that moment, the passion and zeal of Jesus oozing from me, so much so that all the steroid-popping men in the gym silenced their conversations and "subtly" listened in. She was tracking and resonating so much with what I had to say, especially as she shared about her friend who went to America and returned "religious." The Jesus I was telling her about offered freedom and wholeness and love that she has only dreamt about knowing. And now, she knows it is available to her. At the end, she said, "Yeah! Freedom is what I want. I like you. I like you a lot."

If my life is an authentic, attractive, passionate pursuit of more of Jesus, then as I proclaim truth, the reality of Jesus very life in me will straight up flow from me. It is here that He can create in others those things which He alone can do. My teammate doesn't need religion; she needs Jesus.

fragrance

Yesterday I moved into my new apartment, with my new roommates, that I know little about, except that one is seriously on a journey after God...and little does she know that Jesus just moved in with her.

As I was settling in for the evening, the smell of marijuana (which interestingly is legal here, as are most things...indifference has had an incredibly blinding and numbing effect in this culture) filtered into my room. In that moment, all I could do was smile and say, "Okay Jesus."

2 Corinthians 2:14-16 is resonating within me, "But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of Him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life."

It has become so clear to me how different my life is compared to the past few years. This is the reality of the world we are "strangers and aliens" in, and I am the face of Christ in literally everything I do. My life is a sweet, contrasting aroma to the only smell of life these women have known, because their life at this moment is the stench of death.

Jesus, would you be a heart-penetrating aroma from this room, throughout this apartment, in the gym, and into the very lives of those around me?! They want the fragrance of truth, and this is only found in "the knowledge of Him"...knowing You.