In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, Paul talks about this continual "thorn" in his side, which is like a splinter that keeps nagging him and reminding him of his weakness. I can imagine that Paul so desperately wanted to rid himself of it, pleading with God to remove it. Yet God did not, and instead used this painful splinter as a way to #1, administer His grace to Paul, and #2, as a way to glorify Himself through Paul's life.
My own thorn continues to manifest itself in this ridiculous game of basketball. Ah, the joys and frustrations of this sport! I cannot make sense of it, and I do not think I am supposed to. Paul could not grasp his thorn either. Yet I manage to beat myself up about not "arriving" in my spiritual maturity, and feel so shamed to admit that I still wrestle with the lies of identity and worth revolving around this game. Even to write this, I wonder what you will think..."she still fails in this area...how long has she walked through this..." How quickly I can go places in my mind that are neither real nor true...my assumptions lead to anxiety...I have taken my eyes off the very One who calls me "beloved."
He is waiting for me to turn to Him to pick me up, to receive His grace. And in all my shame, believing the lie that I should have already "cleaned myself" up and that Christ has already given me enough grace in this area of my life, I still try to "get through" the lies on my own. But I have realized the "thorn" is not bad; in fact, it is a way to receive and experience more of His grace. Why is this so difficult for my flesh to accept? Pride...my pride manifests itself, believing that I have "conquered" this sin in my life. Yet this thorn has pricked deeper into my side so that I would know more of Him. When the arrows fly, Jesus is longing for me to press deeper into Him...where He can speak to me, love me, give me abundant grace, manifest His power at work within my weakness. And I am so weak.
God give me the grace to hear your voice in these moments! Give me the eyes to see You, so I would "behold" You to "become" more like Jesus (2 Corinthians 3:18).
God cannot love me any more or any less, no matter what I do. His love for me is based entirely upon His grace. And He does not quit or give up. He does not start something without finishing, and I am still His work in progress (Philippians 1:6-7). But I think I am right where He wants me.
This "thorn" is His grace...
2 comments:
AJ,
thanks for the blog link...and I just posted about you on mine, so you may be getting some more visits from people that know you around here! It's very cool to get a look inside your heart. Your writing is vulnerable and honest...and I hope you do more of it in the future!! Looking forward to keeping up with you through this!!
AJ, found your blog through a link on Rob's blog. It is exciting to read how God is working in your life and to see your openness to reveal the struggle. We all have our own areas of struggle we just don't always reveal them. In case you were wondering this is Pastor Dennis from long ago in Wakytown.
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