I realize it has been a while since I have last posted anything...and I now recognize why. Shame. I don't think I have ever been a person who has struggled with shame, but I see how the enemy has been beating me up by it. I am ashamed of my life right now, bottom line. I am not where I "want" to be or even think I "should" be spiritually, I don't feel God's presence in my life (but I know faith is not a feeling), much less desiring to spend time with Him. I feel like I am merely surviving in my life rather than living abundantly like I know He desires me to live. I struggle to believe God has my best in mind and I am not this "fearless" minister of the Gospel. I feel I have failed, lost my direction, my passion and vision. I am tired, burned out, beat up...
I think I even feel ashamed to go before Him.
The enemy, our accuser, uses isolation to speak lies. We cannot hear the truth when we are not surrounded by Jesus, by others who know Him and can speak truth to us. Thinking becomes distorted, reality becomes blurred, confusion and guilt set in.
Yet I am not destroyed...and I know that God wants to deliver me. He is my Deliverer. I must cry out...there is no shame in this.
Isaiah 50:7 says, "Therefore I have set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame."
He has led me this far, He'll continue to lead me...and ultimately, this place where my heart is at, somewhat alone and lost and feeling so far from Him, it is not in His will. And it is not a geographical location that He longs to take me...it is back into His heart, deeper into Him and Love...gently by His grace and compassion, through His Word and His body...You just want me.
God I am desperate to keep my heart before You, in You. There is no shame here.
3 comments:
not sure what's going on with you, AJ....but I wanted to let you know I'm praying for you.
I am praying for you today in particular. II Corinthians 4:7-9 has always been a favored passage for me when I am discouraged spiritually. It is my "Knocked Down, but not Knocked Out" passage. Remember, you are loved by your heavenly Father, your family and friends and you are not alone no matter how the moment feels.
ajax, praying for you today. your post reminded me so much of the psalms. crying out to the Lord, and a humble trust in who He declares Himself to be. thanks for your realness and vulnerability. i enjoyed knowing you (who He has created you to be) very much...
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