overwhelmed

Today was my birthday, my first birthday in Deutschland. Tonight, many of my teammates planned a Turkish birthday dinner, in celebration of me. Why God? Really? I have only been here 6 weeks. How can I possibly feel so loved, be so loved, by man and by You?

What is this life-consuming, radical love I feel? How can a love be so consuming that there are no words to define? And I have it...I walk with Him every day and experience His presence to the point of being overwhelmed. And that is what I am right now...overwhelmed. Amazing God, amazing love, I can do nothing but rejoice. My heart is so full, flooded, speechless...

God, I came here, after Your heart and Your voice, yet completely blind...abandoned to You...I came too, to love on and reflect Your love to those around me, namely, my teammates. What is this "weighty" love that I feel? How do I even tell You how "grateful," how "blessed" I am? These words sell You short! And as I live here, love You, know You more, You love through me, to those around me, and that is why they are attracted to me...because it is not me, but You. It can be nothing else. They are drawn to You in me, and as they are drawn to You, You somehow love me through them being drawn to Yourself in me! How is this love possible? What is this supernatural love? And who am I?

I have no category, much less words...Your love is truly incomprehensible and overwhelming, so heavy...immersed...I can find no words to describe my heart right now.

judgment

I hate that my first thought when I look at someone who has just stepped out of church to have a smoke is judgment. I do not even have to "think"...it quickly and automatically runs through my mind before I realize the thoughts are rampant. Who taught me that? Was it the world, or was it the church?

I have no idea about their story, where they are at on their journey, and I judge them according to my own view: my self-righteous, "churchy," "have it all together," prideful flesh. But the truth is, this person very well could be more passionately in love with Jesus, who just happens to struggle with this tangible addiction, which is no different than my struggle with seeking approval from others. The only difference is, you just would not know it because you cannot see it.

Further, why do I create a "me" versus "them" mindset, as if I set myself apart from the real world I live in? There is no Christ sub-culture; there is only culture, with its own history and uniqueness that make itself different from another. And that culture is still Christ's culture - He is still there.

Jesus, retrain and restore my mind to how you intended and designed it: like You. Strip away my judgments and replace them with your love. I am so needy...

undiscipline

Obedience to God vs. self-discipline...I have lots of time to reflect, particularly on the events and circumstances in my life. Situations that seem "random" but they are God's appointed order, His divine designs that happen anywhere and everywhere. If I view my "random" circumstances through my fleshly eyes, I am like Peter: sinking, and fast! But if I choose to walk with eyes of faith, being obedient whether my vision or dream or desire is in my proper order, than God can do abundantly more than I can ever ask, think or imagine. Do I believe this?

Oswald Chambers. The man walked with God. In "My Utmost For His Highest," November 14 excerpt, he says, "Beware of being obsessed with consistency to your own convictions instead of being devoted to God." Am I more obsessed with my discipline to the physical...training, being prepared, basketball, and how "I" think it must look, because that is what you "do"? And if it does not fall into place that way, than I must change something or "do" more? But this is how I have always done things. Do I dare to function differently now, as I am more sanctified to His image, His mind? Quite possibly, and maybe I am not supposed to do anything besides be obedient to the "randomness," go with what makes no sense to me, and completely defy my ideas of discipline...to follow unreason, inconsistency, what seems absurd, but really is the guidance of the One within me, choosing to see Him in the "random" events that are nothing less than His order.

Consistency is my order, planned and designed events; inconsistency is God's order. There was never a more inconsistent person on earth than Jesus, but He was never inconsistent with His Father, as He was led by His Father. And my life is now the same, led by my Shepherd's voice...completely contrary to this world, but nevertheless the leading of His sanctifying Spirit within me who intercedes on my behalf when I am about to drown. And what Mr. Chambers states is true: "The important consistency in a saint is not to a principle but to the divine life. It is the divine life that continually makes more and more discoveries about the divine mind."

The last time I checked, the divine life is entirely contrary to this world. Maybe I should begin thinking opposite of what this world trains me to think and walk in the way of undiscipline to self. And it makes no human sense.

zeal

Yesterday I was reading about Christ's zeal, His dying passion for God; it literally consumed Him, "ate Him up." His zeal inflamed His Spirit, affections, took all of His time and strength, to the very end of His life. In John 2:17, He desperately wanted people to know the abundant life and true freedom that God had for them. Christ simply wanted people to "get it"...to know Himself. But they missed Him in their religion.

Jesus zealousness for God included freeing the gospel from those that bound it, from religion, from institutions, from human fallacies that claim a greater knowledge than others, from man-made laws. His zeal ushered in the liberating gospel of grace and love and truth. My zeal for Him must be the same; the truth of His truths, what true worship is in the "temple" of my life now ("in Spirit and in truth", John 4:23-24), and not to any fallible man-designed principles. Jesus said in John 8:32, "Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free."

I reflected on my own life, wondering if those who knew me, interacted with me, "experienced" me, were they experiencing Christ in such a way that they knew He was real in my life? Can they see that Jesus is my life out of my zealousness? Do I have a dying passion to know Him more and for others to experience Him the same?

Well God in all His sweetness allowed His zeal to manifest itself shortly after my time with Him in His Word. I met with a teammate to check out a gym, where I could "train" her a few times a week in strength training. Before I knew it, we were engaging in a spiritual conversation. I was becoming so excited as she asked me if I was "religious,"to which I replied, "No, I hate religion actually. It is man-made, requires a checklist be met, condemns, and is not freeing! But Jesus, I walk with Him, and here is what I mean..." For the next 15 minutes, I had the privilege to tell her about Christ, the gospel, how He has transformed my life and now is my life. And I could feel in that moment, the passion and zeal of Jesus oozing from me, so much so that all the steroid-popping men in the gym silenced their conversations and "subtly" listened in. She was tracking and resonating so much with what I had to say, especially as she shared about her friend who went to America and returned "religious." The Jesus I was telling her about offered freedom and wholeness and love that she has only dreamt about knowing. And now, she knows it is available to her. At the end, she said, "Yeah! Freedom is what I want. I like you. I like you a lot."

If my life is an authentic, attractive, passionate pursuit of more of Jesus, then as I proclaim truth, the reality of Jesus very life in me will straight up flow from me. It is here that He can create in others those things which He alone can do. My teammate doesn't need religion; she needs Jesus.

fragrance

Yesterday I moved into my new apartment, with my new roommates, that I know little about, except that one is seriously on a journey after God...and little does she know that Jesus just moved in with her.

As I was settling in for the evening, the smell of marijuana (which interestingly is legal here, as are most things...indifference has had an incredibly blinding and numbing effect in this culture) filtered into my room. In that moment, all I could do was smile and say, "Okay Jesus."

2 Corinthians 2:14-16 is resonating within me, "But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of Him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life."

It has become so clear to me how different my life is compared to the past few years. This is the reality of the world we are "strangers and aliens" in, and I am the face of Christ in literally everything I do. My life is a sweet, contrasting aroma to the only smell of life these women have known, because their life at this moment is the stench of death.

Jesus, would you be a heart-penetrating aroma from this room, throughout this apartment, in the gym, and into the very lives of those around me?! They want the fragrance of truth, and this is only found in "the knowledge of Him"...knowing You.

fear

One day every week I consciously choose to go out into the city, whether I "feel" like it or not. I must do so if I expect to learn the culture and understand the mindset of people who have grown up in a completely different culture, history and experience than myself. This week I chose to go to the Holocaust museum, with no agenda, no time frame, no expectation...just me and Jesus.

With my headphones in my ears, I entered the underground museum and asked the Lord what He would have for me today. I had no idea what I was walking into.

Walking from room to room, I stepped into the lives and stories of innocent men, women and children who had experienced something so gruesome and horrific that my mind had no category for it. One room in particular had letters from individuals, most of whom did not survive, that they had written on their way to a concentration camp, in hopes their family would receive it (if they even survived). This particular letter struck me differently than the rest.

Whoever wrote this letter realized the deep fear that existed to bring about such atrocities, and I began to wonder further about this fear myself. The holocaust was about hate, but ultimately the root of hate is fear. What did Hitler fear about people different from him? What did he fear in Jews, Soviet POW's, the disabled, homosexuals, Freemasons, in people different than himself? Something gripped his life enough that led him to kill nearly 6 million people. I could not wrap my mind around these facts.

I began to reflect on my own life...what things do I strongly dislike? Why? Or what things cause me to feel insecure? And how do I respond to these things? I do not kill, but maybe I do in the words that I speak to someone out of my insecurity, or out of my fear...out of my flesh. If I walk securely and confidently in who I am and Who's I am, I have the freedom to breathe life, speak life, live life in Christ...abundantly.

I want to be able to have a conscious awareness of this in my life. I want be a life-giver rather than a life-taker. I want to be the face of Jesus.

today's wrestlings

Today I chose to venture out to a part of the city that contains a section of the old Berlin wall. I had no agenda, just desiring to experience God in whatever way He wanted to meet with me. I found myself staring at this section of the wall, now just a memorial, and it served the purpose to decide who was free and who was not. Here I am, free, not just physically, but more by grace and love. I am free to know Christ and to walk with Him daily.

I managed to find my way to Starbucks, of course, and wrestled over my coffee and these images. Freedom in Christ, to wonder deeply into His heart and to fearlessly trust Him with a childlike faith, requires sheer abandon and nothing less.

Jesus says in Matthew 16:25, "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." In other words, "come, follow me" means an abandonment of my very self. Maybe in our culture today Jesus would say, "whoever abandons their life in, by and of this world will contrarily live life to its fullest." Essentially, defy the laws of gravity, all scientific reason, and step out in what feels like risk to the flesh, pursuing a God that is not safe but that is good. Maybe that should be the definition of "scandalous trust"- to defy the very laws of the world and expectations on how to live. It sounds scary, scandalous, risky, crazy, and irresponsible. But what if this is exactly what Jesus meant?

Is it my responsibility to discard responsible behavior in the name of Jesus? Should I really pursue Jesus with the faith of a child? Who has no fear, only the fear of missing the wonder of something fresh and new and mysterious?

Religion tells us what we can't do, instead of walking with Jesus in the freedom of what we can do. When I look at Christ's life, He was all about breaking the "rules" established by the self-righteous Pharisees. Yep, Jesus broke the rules. But He was perfect in every way. And He said, "come, follow me" not "come, follow my rules."

John 18:36, "My Kingdom is not of this world." So why do we think His reasoning, His purposes, His understanding, His knowledge would be of this world? He said it's not! The Kingdom of Heaven is completely contrary to this world; its reason, its function, its mindset, on all levels. And maybe, until we start stepping out of the "norms" of institutionalized church, we will miss God. We might miss experiencing Him, His Spirit actively living, freeing, pursuing, healing, transforming lives - our own and those around us.

When we don't abandon ourselves fully to Christ, we will choose another version of Jesus to follow, and essentially create our own "Christ."