no shame

I realize it has been a while since I have last posted anything...and I now recognize why. Shame. I don't think I have ever been a person who has struggled with shame, but I see how the enemy has been beating me up by it. I am ashamed of my life right now, bottom line. I am not where I "want" to be or even think I "should" be spiritually, I don't feel God's presence in my life (but I know faith is not a feeling), much less desiring to spend time with Him. I feel like I am merely surviving in my life rather than living abundantly like I know He desires me to live. I struggle to believe God has my best in mind and I am not this "fearless" minister of the Gospel. I feel I have failed, lost my direction, my passion and vision. I am tired, burned out, beat up...

I think I even feel ashamed to go before Him.

The enemy, our accuser, uses isolation to speak lies. We cannot hear the truth when we are not surrounded by Jesus, by others who know Him and can speak truth to us. Thinking becomes distorted, reality becomes blurred, confusion and guilt set in.

Yet I am not destroyed...and I know that God wants to deliver me. He is my Deliverer. I must cry out...there is no shame in this.

Isaiah 50:7 says, "Therefore I have set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame."

He has led me this far, He'll continue to lead me...and ultimately, this place where my heart is at, somewhat alone and lost and feeling so far from Him, it is not in His will. And it is not a geographical location that He longs to take me...it is back into His heart, deeper into Him and Love...gently by His grace and compassion, through His Word and His body...You just want me.

God I am desperate to keep my heart before You, in You. There is no shame here.

saturday

Funny that the title to this entry is the day that I will leave Berlin for a while...and not necessarily in my choosing or my time table, but certainly one that God has planned.

When I think about Christ's account on the cross, how He died on Friday and arose on Sunday, bringing me life both eternal and now, I never once think about Saturday. George Steiner said, "But ours is the long day's journey of the Saturday."

"Long day's journey"...How many times in my life do I feel like I am trapped or stuck, waiting in Saturday for Sunday to come, when I can rest in Saturday because the victory already came on Friday? I can stand, waiting expectantly in hope, for Sunday, enjoying the "now" and "here," being "nowhere" but here. Because I know that Sunday will come...it has before and still will.

Even more, how hard is it to have joy in the now and here? This requires so much, living in a world where I cannot control anything yet want to try and control everything. This kind of joy is not of this world because it is only a gift that comes in Christ.

Joy is about "what is" while fear is about "what if." And just as much as Joy is about the known and fear is about the unknown, fear is also about what has not come and Joy is about what has come...Jesus. "What is" the truth of what is known in Christ? He has come, is coming, and will continue to come...which means fear must leave. Joy has come, is here and now, the ongoing Presence of Him. Fear and joy cannot co-exist, and this is freedom to trust in both the known and unknown.

Joy is freely living in the here and now, on Saturday, knowing without question that God is present...joy enables me to trust my Father as I live in Today.

alive!

Someone recently passed this on to me...and until now, John 20:6-7 has never impacted me like this before.

"Then Simon Peter, who was behind him (John), arrived and went into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus' head. The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen."

John (20:7) tells us that the napkin (linen), which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the other grave clothes. The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed at the head of that stony coffin.

So why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His resurrection?

In order to understand the significance of the folded linen, you have to understand the Hebrew tradition of that day. A folded napkin had to do with the Master and servant, and every Jewish boy knew this tradition. When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it. The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished. Now if the master was done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up the napkin and toss it onto the table. The servant would then know to clear the table. In those days, the wadded napkin meant, "I'm done." But, if the master got up from the table, folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because the folded napkin meant, "I'm coming back!"

purest place

The lyrics to a song I have heard countless times stirred my heart for more of the "purest place" I can ever be...

Paint me with Your purity
That I'd attract Your majesty
When others boast in fame and gold
The purest place is where I'll go

The purest place I will draw near
Do what it takes to keep me here
In the center of Your heart
The purest place is where You are

It's not with masses, not with kings
Not in these songs, or offerings
Not in this life, or what it brings
The purest place is You my King

If there's such thing as too beautiful
If there's such things as too wonderful
If there's such thing as too marvelous
Jesus it's You, Jesus it's You

It's You my King,
It's You my King
The purest place, is You my King

When the world all around me is screaming "self", the purest place is where I long to go. Oh that fame and recognition would quickly push me to His heart and not to my self! "Do what it takes to keep me here"...is He ever doing this, so painfully. Yet my heart desires to be and remain in this "purest place," the center of His heart. Only He is in this place and none of me. What must this be like to experience such Purity?

The "purest place" is His heart. It is completely unadulterated, whole and complete, with no impurities, as pure gold, which only comes refined by fire. And my life, it is in the fire, becoming more pure, so that my heart too would one day be the purest place.

If there is any thing as "too beautiful...too wonderful...too marvelous," it is only Jesus.

The purest place, Father, align my heart with Yours. Do what it takes.

or unique

Adding to my previous wrestlings with "competitor"...the contrast is "unique." If I am unique, then I am not comparable to anything else. Isn't that what I want? What we all want?

Unique by definition is "existing as the only one; incomparable; only specimen of a given kind; being the only one of its kind; without an equal."

Reread those last three words...

Why do I compare (and therefore compete) when everything in me wants to be unique, yet I do not value or even appreciate my created uniqueness by my Creator? Our uniqueness is given. We cannot create it. Freedom comes when we see, know and rest in this. It is a grasping of Truth in the heart.

My actions say I want to be the same as those around me. Somehow I want to be equal or even superior to those around me, yet just as much different. How confusing!

In my search for uniqueness, I will end up on one of two roads...competing to find my uniqueness, which is really striving to be like someone else, or knowing and trusting Jesus. I am already fully "unique" in Him.

competitor?

I recently said to someone, "I am a competitor. It is part of who I am," to which his response was, "Is it? What does God say about competing and competition?" That left me puzzled, because I thought I knew all about this. Yet my spirit was left unsettled and has led me on this journey to know truth: to know God more in my questions about being competitive, "striving," to "rival" and the like.

By definition, "compete" is to strive or claim to be equal. "Competitor" is one who seeks to obtain what another seeks. "Competition" is strife for superiority. Further, "comparison" is a form of competition. Also, "rival" is one striving to equal or exceed another; standing in competition for superiority.

When I compete, I do so to prove myself, to show I am better, to gain glory. This is the motive of my heart. When I play more, play better, I "feel" better...but do I? This is not of God, and it would never be enough.

Does competing drive me nearer to God or does it cause me to lust after everything of this world?

A quote worth wrestling with:

Satan's entire kingdom runs on the principle of competition; just the opposite of God's Kingdom where everyone serves each other.

Competition, yes, it is the way of the world. It is how we function, think, live. Yet we are from a higher Kingdom.

Are we called to compete or to serve?

When I am a "competitor" it is about me, what I "deserve"...winning the praise of others, drawing attention to myself...ultimately my pride and vain glory. There is no fruit of the Spirit in my life. None.

So what is sport? How do I "compete" without being "competitive?" God's design in creating sport, I believe, is to worship Him and reflect His glory, through following the rules and by serving my teammates out of a changed heart of humility and grace. Further, I have no "rights" nor can I demand justice or fairness. When I play in such a way that serves my team, it brings unity to our body on the floor, and in this, the fruits of the Spirit are manifested. And strangely enough, I am a "better" player according to the world's standards.

Somewhere in this place that I cannot attain is freedom...but how?

I would be lying to you if I said that I know "how" to "do" these things in the midst of playing a sport that has lied to me for so long. The world trains us up to "strive" for superiority and my flesh knows nothing else. But the Spirit in me, He is doing the work of humility as God continues to whisper, "Just be with me." This is all a mystery to me, sanctification...but just this past Friday, I believe it was the first time in my life that no false motive or prideful thought ran through my mind the entire practice!

Stop trying.

God is manifesting His glory but we cannot always see it. Yet I am convinced that those around us do as we long to know Him more. And I believe that God wants to show us a way of not just playing sport, but living life, that is so contrary to this world that we do not even have a category for it in our minds. My mind cannot fathom basketball fully redeemed in His glory, where there is total freedom and joy in my spirit, regardless of circumstances around me. But I know it is a place of experiencing God in all His glory, where all I want to do is throw my hands up in the air in total worship. This is freedom, redemption, glory...forget the game.

Philippians 2:3 says, "Let nothing be done through strife or vain glory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves." What does this really mean?

I stumbled across this in a commentary...


This command forbids us to do anything, or attempt anything as the mere result of strife. This is not the principle from which we are to act, or by which we are to be governed. We are to form no plan, and aim at no object which is to be secured in this way. The command prohibits all attempts to secure anything over others by mere physical strength, or by superiority of intellect or numbers. or as the result of dark schemes and plans formed by rivalry, or by the indulgence of angry passions, or with the spirit of ambition. We are not to attempt to do anything merely by outstripping others, or by showing that we have more talent, courage, or zeal. What we do is to be by principle, and with a desire to maintain the truth, and to glorify God. And yet how often is this rule violated!

We would never be the same if we allowed God to glorify His life in our lives the way He so desperately desires. We do not even have a concept of what this would look like. But Father, give it to us...and give us the grace to boldly ask.

thorn

In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, Paul talks about this continual "thorn" in his side, which is like a splinter that keeps nagging him and reminding him of his weakness. I can imagine that Paul so desperately wanted to rid himself of it, pleading with God to remove it. Yet God did not, and instead used this painful splinter as a way to #1, administer His grace to Paul, and #2, as a way to glorify Himself through Paul's life.

My own thorn continues to manifest itself in this ridiculous game of basketball. Ah, the joys and frustrations of this sport! I cannot make sense of it, and I do not think I am supposed to. Paul could not grasp his thorn either. Yet I manage to beat myself up about not "arriving" in my spiritual maturity, and feel so shamed to admit that I still wrestle with the lies of identity and worth revolving around this game. Even to write this, I wonder what you will think..."she still fails in this area...how long has she walked through this..." How quickly I can go places in my mind that are neither real nor true...my assumptions lead to anxiety...I have taken my eyes off the very One who calls me "beloved."

He is waiting for me to turn to Him to pick me up, to receive His grace. And in all my shame, believing the lie that I should have already "cleaned myself" up and that Christ has already given me enough grace in this area of my life, I still try to "get through" the lies on my own. But I have realized the "thorn" is not bad; in fact, it is a way to receive and experience more of His grace. Why is this so difficult for my flesh to accept? Pride...my pride manifests itself, believing that I have "conquered" this sin in my life. Yet this thorn has pricked deeper into my side so that I would know more of Him. When the arrows fly, Jesus is longing for me to press deeper into Him...where He can speak to me, love me, give me abundant grace, manifest His power at work within my weakness. And I am so weak.

God give me the grace to hear your voice in these moments! Give me the eyes to see You, so I would "behold" You to "become" more like Jesus (2 Corinthians 3:18).

God cannot love me any more or any less, no matter what I do. His love for me is based entirely upon His grace. And He does not quit or give up. He does not start something without finishing, and I am still His work in progress (Philippians 1:6-7). But I think I am right where He wants me.

This "thorn" is His grace...