foolish faith

who's glory

2012-02-01T12:34:00.002+02:00

Psalm 115:1, "Not to us, oh Lord, not to us but to Your Name be the glory, because of Your love and faithfulness."

This hit me in a fresh way...if I am seeking my glory, than today hurts...because today, like every day, there are those who do not approve of or affirm me...and I cannot make a defense...

But I also do not need to defend myself...because if my life and purpose is to Your glory, than those circumstances do not matter. If my life and purpose are in You, then all of who I am comes from You, not the programs I write or my coaching abilities. And I can rest in the Truth that You are glorifying Yourself, regardless of how things appear, or how I feel...because You hold it all and You will glorify Yourself, regardless.

May my life reflect the light of Your glory...to You be the glory, regardless.

slow and steady

2011-12-21T11:27:00.001+02:00

Your Kingdom began by a death on a cross...You could have rescued Yourself at any point but You did not...You kept the course, committed to the Father's plan...quite unfathomable for a martyr Who could free Himself at will.

It is no different now, for me...stay the course, be consistent, patient, steady...growth happens over time. Psalm 92 hits this, in v7, "Though the wicked spring up like grass"...this is fast, because we all know how quickly grass grows! Yet v8-9, "But You oh Lord are on high forever...behold, your enemies shall perish." Then v10, "But my horn, emblem of excessive strength and stately grace, You have exalted like that of a wild ox; I am anointed with fresh oil."

Steady...v12 uses a tree to make the point. A tree's growth is quite opposite of grass. A tree is slow and steady whereas grass is almost out of control. "The uncompromisingly righteous shall flourish like the palm tree, be long-lived, stately, upright, useful, and fruitful; they shall grow like a Cedar in Lebanon, majestic, stable, durable, and incorruptible"...because v13, "Planted in the house of the Lord, they shall flourish in the courts of our God."

Just like training the body physically requires patience and commitment and time, so does Your work...in my life, through my life, in others lives...but You are at work, and I can rest in this.

Slow and steady, just like the palm trees here. And I am planted in You, this is why I can know this.

Slow and steady, a result of Your grace...v14, "Growing in grace they shall still bring forth fruit in old age; they shall be full of sap, spiritual vitality, and rich in the verdure (flourishing), of trust, love and contentment"...all signs of maturity, timely growth, nothing quick that will not last but one that is aged with time, a strong foundation, still reaping fruit throughout time, that will last.

Then my life becomes a "memorial" (v15) to the Lord...revealing that You are upright and faithful to Your promises, my Rock and righteousness.

Slow and steady...

invisible

2011-12-07T13:06:00.001+02:00

Through the circumstances before me, daily life here, with things always in flux, changing, it is forcing my trust to a whole new level, one that I probably never would have intentionally chosen...even with the true lack of control in a familiar place, life seems much more predictable...You remove that here...

Yet it gives me the opportunity to experience Your continuity, Your Presence...

Fix my gaze upon what I cannot see...this is only possible through Your Spirit...and even as the visible world parades before me, give me the courage and faith of those before...as Moses (Hebrews 11:27), "for he never flinched but held staunchly to his purpose and endured steadfastly as one who gazed on Him Who is invisible."

As one who gazed on Him Who is invisible...fix my gaze upon what I cannot always see, You.

humility + thanksgiving

2011-11-26T13:51:00.000+02:00

Romans 15:13, "May the God of my hope so fill me with all joy and peace in believing through the experience of my faith that by the power of Your Spirit I may abound and be overflowing with hope."

Regardless of my circumstances, You have still called me and are faithful...You know my needs. Yet I recognize my pride in this journey, maybe even my damaged ego.

Again, my hope does not change because it is in You alone...and that hope is what fills me to be Your hands and feet today. Maybe You just like keeping my "needs" up in the air because it forces me to continually rely on You to meet those rather than my "skills"...and it gives You the opportunity to glorify Yourself rather than me pointing at myself.

It is still so humbling Father...

Yet Paul lived the same.

Galatians 6:14, "But far be it from me to glory in anything or anyone except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through Whom the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world." In the externals of life, Paul lived at the bottom, while his critics (Pharisees) lived in the penthouse. But Paul was so solidly rooted and steady in only You...he was consistent in Your faithfulness, not his own...his external life may have changed without causing him any internal distress because He knew You that profoundly.

So back to what I know is true of You...and that foolish faith is not based on externals. I can be consistent like Paul when I let it all come down to one thing: changed lives through Your Spirit.

Psalm 116:17, "I will offer to You the sacrifice of thanksgiving and will call on the name of the Lord." This is how it feels at the moment...thankfulness as a sacrifice, when I do not feel thankful, or at least my circumstances can lead me to feel this way...yet I can walk through the hard and discouraging days with joy because You are Joy...and Your joy dwells in my heart...and the light of Your Presence still shines upon me, regardless.

I think You are teaching me to live here in more ways than I want to admit...and at the end of the day, You know what You are doing, even if I do not.

joshua 3

2011-10-21T20:29:00.003+03:00

I'm in an unfamiliar place

No homey comforts here.

Not sure of where I'm going,

Not sure what brought me here.

The light is dim, my way obscured,

Dark shadows jump and scare.

A soundless voice then whispers from deep,

"Walk On! I'll meet you there."

A lamp illuminates my feet,

Just one step at a time.

The voice cries out, "Forsake your plan -

Possess this land of mine!"

Trembling still, I walk along

The path secured for me.

At last my eyes behold the land,

But I glance back to see.

There were no shadows there at all,

No monsters over me.

'Twas rivers parted all along.

'Twas waves held back for me!

I'm in an unfamiliar place, peculiar comforts here.

No turning back, my homesick soul.

His will is home for me.

I cannot claim to have written this...I merely borrowed it from a friend.

gideon

2011-10-19T01:57:00.000+03:00

I have never noticed until today how foolish Gideon's faith was...and Judges 6-7 is loaded with a pretty crazy story of believing God.

God calls Gideon to deliver the Israelites from the Midianites, and Gideon basically answers, "who am I?" God meets his doubt with, "The LORD is with you, you mighty man of fearless courage." Wow, God calls Gideon mighty and of fearless courage...and He calls us, His children, the same. Still, Gideon doubts what God says about him, and reminds God that he is "the least"...yet God graciously replies, "Surely I will be with you and you shall smite the Midianites." God will do what He says He will do...and when He calls, He empowers.

Moving on to the number of times that Gideon literally "throws a fleece" out to God... in his uncertainty, he continued to make sure that he had heard God correctly, that God was in fact with him, like He had said He was. And both times, God not only answered but affirmed Gideon! So Gideon went...

(Side note on my further thoughts about "throwing God a fleece"...honestly, I think, why can I not throw God a fleece? I do not want to test God, and I must question the motives of my own heart, but I do think we can ask Him, to reveal Himself, that He is in what He is doing, what He may be asking us to do...and the incredible thing about the Gospel is that we now have the Spirit that dwells within us, when we choose Jesus, so that He can speak to us, lead us, empower us...and Gideon did not have that.)

Now that God had Gideon's heart and ear, He told him how He was going to use his obedience to save the people...and this is crazy...

God knew His people, so in order for the Israelites to not claim credit, God weeds out the Israelite men to go from 32,000 to 300. Yep. God wants the glory. There was nothing about these circumstances that the men could put any deliverance in their own numbers, their own strength, their own "doing." It was going to have to be God.

Then, God essentially tells Gideon, "go eavesdrop on the enemy's camp late at night, and you will overhear a conversation that will confirm my leading." Maybe God knew Gideon's fleshly heart needed to be reaffirmed, that he was not in fact crazy?! Not only did Gideon hear the dialogue, but God gave one of the Midianite soldiers a dream that said Gideon, a man of God, would overtake the Midianites camp. Gideon's immediate response: worship.

The final straw...the 300 men spread out around the Midianite camp, holding in one hand a trumpet and in the other a lantern and a jar. Random maybe...but take note: they held no weapons. At this point, the Midianites turned upon themselves and destroyed one another. Brutal yes, BUT God. Only He could orchestrate this...only He could move men and circumstances and conversations in this way!

When circumstances look bleak, BUT God. Sometimes circumstances are such to not only grow our faith, but to display God's delivering power in a way that it cannot be anyone or anything BUT God. And God still works in and through our crazy circumstances today...they are not by chance...and He puts us in positions that we can take no credit...only worship. BUT God.

supernatural gratitude

2011-10-03T16:39:00.001+03:00

When everything seems to be going wrong, when things appear in my human lenses to be going in the opposite direction, when life seems out of control, You call me to thank You...

A supernatural response no doubt.

Yet there is power in unconditional praise...praising Him, not only in spite of the circumstance, but for thecircumstance...ruthless trust knowing that in His unsearchable wisdom, He is working outsomething that is necessary and vital for my good, beyond all I can ask, think or imagine.

I feel like David in Psalm 13...yet he closes the Psalm with, "But I have trusted, leaned on, and been confident in Your mercy and loving-kindness; my heart shall rejoice and be in high spirits in Your salvation. I will sing to the Lord, because He has dealt bountifully with me."

Regardless of all David has felt, the lies he has battled, the internal struggles, the constant wrestling...regardless, he "trusted, leaned on, and been confident"...in His God. Therefore, he rejoices. He sings with a heart of gratitude, because "He has dealt bountifully with me."

Bountifully...liberal in bestowing gifts or favors; generous, plentiful, abundant, overflowing, more than I can grasp, comprehend, fathom...beyond all I can ask, think or imagine.

And this too is my God.

And I too am called to give thanks for everything. What feels unnatural in my skin is a gift of grace to respond in this supernatural way. Choosing the supernatural, regardless how I feel...affirming my trust and thanking You...only then will I experience unfathomable peace.

Because it is Yours...and You have me.

in between

2011-10-01T18:27:00.000+03:00

This place of the land in between - the wilderness - where God is clearly doing something but it is way beyond my comprehension or what I even think may be happening...this land in between, what do You have for me there?

When Jesus began His ministry, immediately after He was baptized, the first place God led Him was the desert. The trials Christ faced there are not trials or temptations in the sense of how I think our human eyes can view them. Satan attacked the very character of Jesus and all the truth of the living God in Him, because Satan "wins" if He causes Him to believe something different. And reflecting on my own life right now, I recognize (I still have my panic moments...) that if Satan can just cause me to stray to the left or the right, ripping my attention and focus from Jesus alone, then I will begin to look at myself rather than remain fixed on my Shepherd. And he wins...for that moment.

It is like Peter walking on water...

Here is a disciple who is tangibly living life with Jesus! Here comes Jesus, walking on water towards the disciples, and they panic, calling Him a ghost! Really?! Then Jesus calms them, and Peter says, "If it is You, call me out there"...so Jesus does just that, and Peter gets out of the boat, out of safety, out of his comfort zone, and begins to walk on water toward his Savior. But then he begins to look around, doubting that he actually is walking on water (because that is foolish!) and sees his circumstances, probably begins to get anxious, then starts sinking...until he believes enough to cry out to Jesus, who in His matchless and abundant grace saves him, but not without calling out his little faith. Again, how much do I resonate with Peter?! I have heard God call me out, to "come"...and I have stepped over the safety and comfort and "certainty" of this boat, and began walking...if I for one second begin to look down, stare at my circumstances and question with my human eyes, distracted from my view of Jesus out on the water, to doubt my God...I will certainly sink. And I have...but every time He pulls me up, His scared child of little faith but desiring more, believing Him for things that only He can do.

I want to be called out into the wilderness, away from distractions, out onto the water, where most will not go, and obey Him to go there with Him, where I can know my God more, be prepared for what follows the "land in between"...because He cannot show me what He has better until trust is developed in the "now."

What do You have for me there...to remain fixed upon You, straight ahead, to hear and obey and walk hand in hand, gripping with all I have, because You will not let go, as You grow more of Your Son within me and lead me in Your time and purpose.

present

2011-08-26T01:53:00.000+03:00

The only reality is today...now and here. And to be anywhere else is not trusting You.

With my mind preoccupied with yesterday and tomorrow, I am entirely neglecting the present...neglecting Your Presence. When I turn in circles with scenarios about my future, my spinning makes me so dizzy that I am unaware of the loving present...I am missing the only reality: You. Now. Here. Today.

Fears of the unknown future are birthed in and nurtured solely by my mind. A friend shared this with me recently, "It is impossible to have a fear of the unknown. You cannot fear what is not known."

In the absence of my self-analysis, dissecting every thought and circumstance that comes, of my self-observation, what I "should" be doing, guilt and shame mysteriously yet miraculously disappear. Because being fully present, in Your Presence, relinquishes my false sense of control and gives it to You. Even more, I can hear You when I am all in today. So while it may appear "irresponsible" not to have my plans all mapped out, the only Planner I need to know and hear from is You. And unless I live in today alone...unless I remain in the now and here...I will never stay in nowhere with You. I will not hear and know Your Voice. And ultimately, I will not, cannot, just sit with, rest in, and know You. I want to be responsibly irresponsible...or maybe irresponsibly responsible...to Your passion, gifts and call in my life.

In Matthew 6, Jesus commands us not to worry about our life. Basically, He was telling us to chill out and live in the present...in today, with Him, in His Presence. This act of trust is not only entirely contrary to the planned culture we live in, (especially that of the Western world), where its focus is always tomorrow, the "next", but it is like that of a child.

And to be fully present demands child-like faith.

boldness

2011-08-25T01:10:00.000+03:00

Interestingly enough, I found myself in Exodus 33…maybe it wasn’t an accident, maybe it wasn’t. But Moses boldness resonated in a new way as I read this time.

God is speaking to Moses as a friend, and this is how the conversation ensues…

Moses wants to know whom God was going to send with him…he knows that God is sending him, but he wants details…and then Moses also reminds God of what He has spoken to him in the past, “Yet You said, ‘I know you by name and you have also found favor in My sight.’” So Moses boldly asks, in light of what God has said, that God would then show him His ways…that He would make known to Moses what He was doing…so that he would know God more deeply, understanding who He is more clearly…and then, in spite of already proclaiming this truth, Moses again asks for favor in God’s sight (which God has already told him multiple times that he has). Moses asks, whether it was because he doubted or was just neurotic I am not sure…but I could imagine the wrestling with lies and fears and doubts was very intense.

God’s response (v.14): “My Presence shall go with you, and I will give you rest.”

It was not a revelation of all God’s plans…it was better. It was His very Presence and the rest of His Presence.

Moses in essence admits his fear, of God sending him without He Himself going. Moses wanted to be where God was…and God’s promise to him was that He would go with him. So now Moses knows that God is sending Himself, yet he wants more. He wants evidence of this, essentially saying in v.16, “Ok God, You say You are coming with me, but how will I know?”

God’s favor Moses, to us, is His very Self…but Moses still wants more. And in His graciousness, God again reminds Moses of his favor in His sight, that God knows him personally and by name, and basically will allow Moses to tangibly know that He is with him.

This part got me. Again, Moses boldly states, “Show me Your glory.”

God’s reply, “I will make all My goodness pass before you and proclaim My name.” God revealed His glory upon Moses courageously but simply asking!

Why can’t I ask this? God wants our childlike faith and the bold simplicity of that…to come before Him and ask...seek…persistently knock…to show me Your glory!

I think Moses believed God’s promises to him to be true yet they were still intertwined with shreds of doubt and fear…yet ultimately he wanted more of God…so he asked to know God more, to know what God was doing, and to see His glory manifested. I also think Moses knew that to see God’s glory was to deeply know His promises. So God, in His grace, did this. He allowed Moses to see the extent of His glory that was humanly possible. And even in this, God’s glory is so great it could have killed Moses…but God’s grace was more, and protected him while still granting his “asking, seeking, knocking.”

So I too ask…show me Your glory Father! Show me Your glory in Your working out Your plan and promises…and in doing so, show others Your glory, whether they know it or not. Show me Your glory God…not because I am testing You or for my purposes but because I believe You and I know what You have spoken and that You will glorify Yourself.

Show me Your glory.

all in

2011-08-08T18:14:00.000+03:00

Isaiah 31:1, "Woe to those who go down to Egypt for help, who rely on horses and trust in chariots because they are many and in horsemen because they are very strong, but they look not to the Holy One of Israel, nor seek and consult the Lord."

You said "woe" meaning don't do it...to go back to Egypt, where my flesh wants to turn, where the world often runs to, yet the very place where You have plucked me out of...Egypt not only represents slavery but also the safe way...certainty and comfort, at least to my mind...yet are they really? Maybe they are illusions instead, a false sense of control. To run to Egypt says, "I don't trust You God."

And the tangible masses, "horses...chariots," they seem certain in their numbers...and I can see them, "very strong."

All in to You means free from slavery to any earthly security and worldly comfort...and it also means using the resources You have given me to provide, both skill and the Gospel, to a people who need them both.

I would rather look to You my God, in the unseen, and hope in that, rather than in man and what appears the comfortable and safe route...because You are not safe but You are good. And there is no comfortable alternative...risking it all is the only option.

just today

2011-08-07T04:09:00.000+03:00

It is the first day of being unemployed...but today is also my first day of the next step of my journey after more of Jesus and the vision He has planted deep within me...and one that continues to come alive, day by day. My heart and prayer is that in my foolish steps of faith, after the Voice that I hear calling me, that He would glorify Himself in a way that blows all of my - and others - categories. I have deliberately put my life in His hands in such a way that He has to show up...He has me in a place that demands all of my trust and I am desperate to see Him move, because this is beyond my ability...but not beyond His ability to make much of Himself.

"The way of trust is a movement into obscurity, undefined, ambiguity, not into some predetermined, clearly delineated plan for the future. The next step discloses itself only out of a discernment of God acting in the desert of the present moment"...just today..."the reality of naked trust is the life of a pilgrim who leaves what is nailed down, obvious, secure, and walks into the unknown without any rational explanation to justify the decision or guarantee the future...because God has signaled the movement and offered it His Presence"...none other than Brennan Manning.

And so I walk...one step at a time, waiting to hear His Voice and follow His lead...and in the meantime, to enjoy Him, the moments He gives me, all the while trusting and believing Him...trusting Him to bring to fruition what He has already started...trusting Him to glorify Himself in each step...

One day at at time...

certainty in uncertainty

2011-05-01T22:28:00.001+03:00

Being okay in uncertainty is evidence of the Spirit...

The nature of my life resting in Jesus is that I am certain even in the uncertainty. To be certain of You is to be uncertain in all my ways...especially not knowing what tomorrow may bring. Father, let that be my breathless expectation, and abandon myself to the fact that I have no control.

But You have me.

I am free to live life full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty yet expectancy. Leave everything to You and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how You will come in.

But completely certain that You will in fact come. Remain faithful.

waiting

2010-10-20T00:22:00.000+03:00

Waiting before the Lord could be the most painful yet glorious thing He asks us to do...

Especially in a world that taught us to be impatient...

When waiting means keeping silent when everything within you wants to speak...or containing passion deep within for a later time...God's time...because He is not inactive.

When He asks us to wait, it is because He is doing something in the unseen world. And like His Word says in Isaiah 40:31, "But those who wait for the Lord, who expect, look for, and hope in Him, shall change and renew their strength and power"...waiting upon Him will grow our strength...re-energize us, as we press on, all while He is orchestrating something great!

Somehow, God keeps bringing it back around to this...Habakkuk 2:3, "For the vision is yet for an appointed time and it hastens to the end fulfillment; it will not deceive or disappoint. Though it tarry, wait earnestly for it, because it will surely come; it will not be behindhand on its appointed day."

Enough said.

Finally, James 5:7, "So be patient as you wait...see how the farmer waits expectantly for the precious harvest from the land. See how he keeps up his patient vigil over it until it receives the early and late rains"...a farmer waits expecting fruition, not knowing when it will come exactly, but still expecting...and knowing that fruition is hinged solely on the Lord's grace to bring rains and grow the crop...again, when that rain comes is unknown...and at the end of the day, it all depends upon God...the farmer acts, in both faith and expectancy, being obedient in what has been entrusted to him, but the harvest is God's..."so be patient" (v8)...

And expect rains of grace in the waiting...

it is not for me to decide

2010-08-26T01:45:00.001+03:00

“It is not for you to decide what happens here.” These were words spoken by an Iraqi citizen in the film Green Zone.

Do “we” America have the right to decide what happens?

How deeply this penetrated my heart, because like in this movie, as America I am not sure it is our job or our “right” to decide how to direct people’s lives…and so it is in my relationships…their choices, their decisions, their salvation…it is not for me to decide for them, as much as I want to, especially where sin is involved…

Why do I often feel the need to tell or say anything at all…maybe it is just simply “being” the work God has sent me to do…

In John 6:29 Jesus says, “This is the work, service, that God asks of you: that you believe in the One Whom He has sent, that you cleave to, trust, rely on, and have faith in His Messenger.”

Love, grace, mercy…

Even as much as it pains my heart and grieves my spirit, it is still not for me to decide. That decision is up to and by the Lord…and Him alone.

And in this place of waiting, I have learned to restfully wait before Him…experiencing more of His grace through not being able to “decide” for them…I see Jesus’ grace , mercy, patience extended to me…I recognize the way those around me resonated His heart rather than judge and decide for me when my spirit was not ready.

So in the waiting, I have been able to freely let others “be,” and in doing so, being overwhelmed by yet more abundant grace in my life…because eventually, in God’s time, I too made the decision for myself, because it was for me to decide…and so I will pray for my friends, those that I care so deeply for it hurts, that they too would decide.

In Berlin, everything is keep an open mind…and so I must keep an open mind about how God’s Spirit works…wants to work, probably creatively…maybe it is in speaking truth, maybe it is in extending grace, maybe it is interceding silently…

God knows what He is doing.

flowers

2010-03-13T17:14:00.000+02:00

Recognizing and receiving Your love each day is both a challenge and a joy...a challenge in that I must realize that You care enough about even the smallest details of my life and that in Your love, You love to surprise me in those details...the joy comes then, when I not only recognize how You surprise me in Your love but then receiving it and simply resting in that gift.

Now here is the "flowers" part...flowers are often given as a symbol of love, and often they are a surprise...my brother in law and nephew randomly purchase flowers for "mommy" because they want her to know how much they love her...and she never knows when those flower moments will come.

Ironically You are revealing Your gift of love to me through flowers...whether they are tangible or simply as a symbol of how much You love to surprise me...

And You keep scattering flowers in my path...

And though I am not a "flowers"-type girl, You still know how to surprise me, love me, care for me through them...and the more I receive them, the more they keep coming...

I want to see those flowers each day, smell them, enjoy them, rest in them because they are a gift of Your love...

So twice this week You have sent me flowers from my nephew..."From the lips of children and infants You have ordained praise and strength" (Psalm 8:2)...and from the mouth and heart of my precious nephew I was surprised and loved...

On Sunday, Ambie, I invite Jesus in my heart...

Then Tuesday, I gonna be a big brother!

What incredible flowers of Your love Father...

no conditions

2010-02-28T19:35:00.000+02:00

A friend and I were conversing last night, and what continued to be the forefront of our conversation was God's love...how very real and deep it is, yet how difficult it is to grasp, particularly as a human being with a finite mind, yet a being created to not just know but experience...

What we see, are surrounded with daily is "love" according to the world...love that too often requires proving and earning and striving to attain...and with that, there is the fear that it will slip away...so we don't "risk" to know that love because it feels safer...and maybe it is...

Yet God's love is not like human love...it is without condition and whole. Why it is so hard for us to not only believe, but to receive His love for our self...to know and live as His beloved?

Because His love has no conditions, I can rest completely and freely in His approval of me...and this also means I must love myself...in my flesh, this is no easy task...yet I must continually allow myself to receive more and more of His love...He longs for me to...

And when I do, this Love miraculously touches those around me as well...

And what it all comes down to is this...God's heart longs to impart His love...

Tell them for Me that I love them...with all of My heart.

2010-02-23T01:55:00.000+02:00

Words can never suffice to acclaim You...no amount of my human knowledge can "acclaim" Who You are, how much you find joy in me, passionately love and care about me...i.e. my human approval and applaud and shouts of praise and enthusiasm do not come close to the glory I long to give You...to the glory You are...and to "acclaim" Your love to those around me...oh how my simple words, my spirit "groaning" within me that longs to know Your love more, to communicate it authentically and passionately to those in my life...my spirit literally groans because Your love consumes me...

Your love in me has allowed me to communicate, with full hope and belief, that You passionately love them...without hesitation...even as Your Spirit within me sees people, it is through eyes of compassion and longing...

What is this Love that I behold? I laugh to think of the transformation You have done in my life...Love transforms...by definition, "transformation" means change in form, appearance, nature, character...a miraculous change...

Father just words, I have so few...yet a painful sense of urgency for more of You to overflow...deeper into my own life and out of it...

so high

2010-02-22T05:08:00.000+02:00

I love the words to this song...and I think they completely capture my heart right now, as best as I can explain it...

These are just words,
and are not enough to contain You
Jesus just words,
and can never suffice to acclaim You

Father just words, and I have so few
I run out too fast, to speak them to You
Father just words, and I have so few
I run out to fast, to speak them to You

You are indescribable, You are beyond expression
And I run out of words for You, I cant think that high
So hear my spirit groan in me
A painful sense of urgency
To tell You that You are to me, so high

You are so high...

verse 19

2010-02-18T02:22:00.000+02:00

I am hitting Ephesians 3:19 back up again...not just because there is so much there but I see it differently...much like my life now...

May you experience the love of Christ, although, it is so great you will never fully understand it. It transcends all knowledge...which is why I cannot find the words...how can sitting in the Presence of Holiness manage words? Grasping the depth of God's love for me is so freeing it is consuming...Then your lives will be filled with all that God is...what a paradox this is...when I experience, truly KNOW by speechless experience, God's love which is "so great I can never fully understand because it transcends my knowledge" then my life is filled with all that He is...

This is only a true miracle in my heart...

Only when it transcends my words and thoughts and all of who I am and was and what I thought I knew, only then is my life filled with all of Who God really is...

The experience of knowing I am already fully loved has radically impacted my life...and my heart wants all to deeply know the same...because at the end of the verse...May you have the richest measure of the Divine Presence and become a body filled and flooded with God Himself...

I am...I am flooded...abounding and overwhelmed and overcome and overflowing with this love and "grace full" that I struggle to capture in my human frailty and contain what I feel...how do I let it abound from my heart and to those around me? How can I contain myself when I have truly had the "richest measure of the Divine Presence" of the living God?

Everything in me has changed...

mystery

2010-02-17T03:00:00.000+02:00

Everything is different now. I do not know how to explain it with words, but I have experienced God's Presence, love and grace in a way that changes everything...yet this truly is the mystery of the Gospel that Paul talks about.

What can you say when the heaviness of His Presence is over you? When I sit in grace, not knowing what to feel or even what my heart feels, how can I put words to something that is a mystery? And the weightiness of God...I know His love has overwhelmed me when I am speechless....what can I possibly say to the One who calls me Beloved? There are no words...my heart is overcome with awe, reverence and worship...words cannot do justice so I will not attempt. I am okay just being...

My raw emotion of the past few days...no wonder I experience heavy emotion without understanding...how can I possibly understand a Love that is a mystery, life-transforming, abounding?

What is even more mysterious is that it took encountering Christ's love within the lives of those in prison to free me...what is that but grace?

To know deeply and authentically that I am loved, in a way that words cannot describe...everything else just falls away...circumstances do not determine my day, grace does...Christ's love is unconditional, agape, unchanging...it transforms everything about my life...

Ephesians 3:17-19 reads differently for me now...it profoundly is me...

¹⁷May Christ through your faith [actually] dwell (settle down, abide, make His permanent home) in your hearts! May you be rooted deep in love and founded securely on love,

¹⁸That you may have the power and be strong to apprehend and grasp with all the saints [God's devoted people, the experience of that love] what is the breadth and length and height and depth [of it];

¹⁹[That you may really come] to know [practically through experience for yourselves] the love of Christ, which far surpasses mere knowledge [without experience]; that you may be filled [through all your being] unto all the fullness of God [may have the richest measure of the divine Presence, and become a body wholly filled and flooded with God Himself]!

I am God's Beloved and that is all that matters...I know this now...a love so powerful and such a mystery that the only way to know its definition is to experience...and I have...and I want more...

without words

2010-02-15T02:34:00.000+02:00

I wish I could paint a picture of the past 2 days of my life...but I don't know how. What I can say is that I witnessed a profound moving of God's Spirit among women who are locked behind prison walls and may never dwell in society again because of crime they committed as their "old self." 2 Corinthians 5:17 says, "Therefore if any person is in Christ she is a new creation; the old moral and spiritual condition has passed away. Behold, the fresh and new has come!"

I have never been more of a witness to this profound truth until now.

Lives changed by the transforming power of Jesus...radiant, beautiful faces of freedom and joy, worshiping and experiencing Him unlike anything I have ever seen, transfixed with gratitude and deep love.

Since leaving the prison and experiencing God's sweet and radical presence this weekend, I have struggled to put words to what my heart feels. Yet it feels because I sit here weeping and I don't even know why...

How can I possibly experience Christ's freedom through lives locked up, tangibly imprisoned yet intangibly free? How can I swallow being ministered to by one that will never see anything besides their tiny cell until death? How can I receive His grace through a life who not only took another, but may never receive that grace from this world? Yet, it is a life that has been made completely new by the grace of Jesus.

Contrary to the world, this is true freedom...and God's grace makes no sense...but I feel it heavy upon me...

This quote was shared with me recently: Settle myself in solitude and I will come upon You (Jesus) in myself. I have not felt God's Spirit so heavy upon me in a long time...experiencing His love and grace and how weighty He really is...I am just sitting in it because I cannot find the words...

Henry Nouwen said, "It is better to cry than to worry, better to feel your wounds and passions deeply than understand them, better to let them enter into your silence than to talk about them." Because there, in my deepest place of feeling and living, where you meet and speak to me, only there in my heart can you whisper...still tears...still feeling...still covering me with more grace...

And you take me to prison to experience that...through the lives of dozens of women in white, whom I had never met, yet ministered to my heart deeply and in a profound way that I still cannot explain, maybe never will...but they encouraged me, reminded me of Who and Who's I am, simply by being the radiance of Christ. And for the first time in a long time I am not only confident in the gifts and abilities He has given me and uniquely created me to possess, but I walk confidently as His beloved daughter.

And this is what I do know.

waterfall

2010-01-18T23:17:00.000+02:00

I love waterfalls...their beauty and power and the ways God speaks to me through them, including now, when strangely in this very moment of life, there are no mountains and no waterfalls remotely close.

What must it be like, to be so utterly abandoned to the euphoria of giving myself, as in a waterfall, that I am alive with joy? To simply cast myself down from the heights would be to abandon myself to joy indescribable. Like a waterfall, the lower the water falls the lighter it seems to grow, as if that "weighty" burden just diminishes in the act of selfless giving and self-abandonment.

Self-giving is its life, and not because it was created to do so, but because it draws life from giving of itself. Falling, taking that what appears to be a leap of faith, is the movement natural to it. It does not hesitate to go; it only experiences glory and joy unspeakable. It has one desire: to go down and down and down and give itself with no reserve...freely.

And thus, the rocks and "scary" objects below become harmless, as they always have been but did not appear so. What is more, they add to the joy and glory of its movement.

I long to freely pour my life out like a waterfall...in selfless abandonment because nothing else matters but Christ.

ice pick

2009-12-15T01:29:00.000+02:00

Sometimes I feel like God's refining in my life is more like an ice pick...only small bits at a time yet so painful to my flesh...but the end result is I become more like Jesus, God's design in sanctification, and others get to see more of Him manifested in my life...which at the end of the day is what I long for...but I am not going to lie, the ice pick hurts.

I have become so acutely aware of my need to "validate" myself, to prove both my worth and inclusion, rather than allowing all these things to be enough in Him...

How can I ask for more of Jesus in my life without expecting to be weak, so that His power can be made manifest? There is no other way...

And the ice pick feels like a double-edged sword...

But it's not...and my heart knows this...because with each uncomfortable moment, each circumstance that I want to crawl out of my skin, is a moment to nail a bit more of my flesh to...more dying of my self...less of me and more of Him.

How many times have I felt, been told, that my life reflects Paul's life...quite honestly, not sure how I feel about that, but at any rate I believe there is an element of truth to this...maybe for all of us to some degree.

2 Corinthians 4:5, 8, 10 say, "For what we preach is not ourselves but Jesus Christ as Lord, and not ourselves merely as your servants for Jesus' sake...we suffer embarrassments and are perplexed and unable to find a way out, but not driven to despair...always carrying about in my body the liability and exposure to the same putting to death that the Lord Jesus suffered, so that the resurrection life of Jesus also may be shown forth by and in our bodies." Paul does not say "maybe" because these two coincide. Just as my flesh is put to death more and more within me, more of Jesus life is transformed into mine...again, this can only happen when I am weak, broken, humbled, "suffering" the same as Him so that I can also then experience more of His resurrection power and life.

There is no other way...

"For just as Christ's own sufferings fall to our lot, as they overflow upon His disciples, and we share and experience them abundantly, so through Christ, comfort, consolation and encouragement is also shared and experienced abundantly by us (2Cor1:5)," followed by v.11, "For we who live are constantly experiencing, being handed over to death (fleshly death) for Jesus' sake, that the resurrection life of Jesus also may be evidenced through our flesh which is liable to death."

My human weakness provides the occasion and backdrop for an incredible story of Christ's love, grace and power to be made manifest in my life...it is the stage for the triumph of divine power.

God by Your grace, help me along this beautiful "ice pick" way.

humility

2009-12-01T01:37:00.000+02:00

The process of humility in our lives is part of our sanctification...just when I feel like I have reached the pinnacle of humility, God takes me even deeper...and as much as I hate being laid low, I know that this is the place that Christ meets me, refines me, molds me, makes me more like Himself...

My desire is God Himself, at any cost, by any road...

John 3:30, "He must increase, but I must decrease. He must grow more prominent; I must grow less so"...

John 12:24, "Unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains just one grain; it never becomes more but lives by itself alone. But if it dies, it produces many others and yields a rich harvest"...the earth, it is the bottom, low...it is here that I must not only depend upon Jesus for my identity, my security, my worth, my provision, and my very life, but it is also from here that He can build and raise me up into the harvest He desires and intends. Even more, a solo "grain" can never become more apart from this place of humility...it remains alone, lives by itself...I want to be more, more of Him.

Paul says in Romans 12:3, " For by the grace, the unmerited favor of God, given to me I warn everyone among you not to estimate and think of himself more highly than he ought, not to have an exaggerated opinion of his own importance, but to rate his ability with sober judgment, each according to the degree of faith apportioned by God to him"...how sobering is this truth?

My passion is to multiply my life, but that cannot happen nor be understood until I am brought low to then be exalted in, through and by Jesus alone...leading to a "rich harvest," probably two-fold: in my life and in others.

And knowing firmly that my present journey is God's call upon my life enables me to transcend my circumstances, freeing me to walk in joy, peace, contentment and security. This does not mean the journey is always pleasant, but it is bringing glory to God because I am becoming more like Him.

go in God's peace

2009-08-18T00:44:00.000+03:00

1 Thessalonians 3:16, "Now may the Lord of peace Himself grant you His peace, the peace of His kingdom at all times and in all ways under all circumstances and conditions, whatever comes..."

What can I say about my life in this moment, all the unknown and random circumstances that entail it? Yes, the "unknowns" continue to be the theme.

"Whatever comes"...more unknowns..."all circumstances and conditions"... The author of Thessalonians, Paul, lived with and without, yet was fully satisfied and met by the Lord, which is why he said to go in Christ's peace, because he lived there. The peace of God's kingdom demands me to live in that Kingdom...seeing and hearing and walking by foolish faith...

Which is what I feel like I am doing.

Yet in all the unknowns and "whatever comes," His faithfulness continues to be greater. He has not stopped speaking through so many different avenues...

Go in My peace.

When Jesus directs my steps, I am not left in want...even if I do live in the "without" by all worldly definitions. I think the more I "have" the more I worry and the more I must attempt to control. So I want less of this world and more of Jesus...

Maybe that is exactly what He is giving me right now.

Go in My peace.

fret

2009-05-16T18:47:00.000+03:00

For whatever reason, these past weeks I have spent considerable time in Psalm 37, especially verse 8..."Do not fret - it leads only to evil." In other words, anxiousness leads to sin.

By definition, "to fret" is...to express worry, annoyance, discontentment; to be eaten at, corrosion, wearing away, gnawed; worn; torment, irritate, consume; eroded place; irritation of mind, agitation; to gnaw with teeth in manner of rodent!

Yet even more, anxiety itself is sin. All the feelings and fears and angst that come with "fretting" are all...

1. lies
2. based upon "what ifs" and assumptions
3. sin because it is not trusting God and it leads to "evil" or "evildoing"...i.e. sin.

To fret is to not walk in Truth, and instead entertains the voice of the enemy, trailing off to "never-never land" and not living in the presence of God's inner voice.

Further, what I also realize in my fretting, my motivations change...I seek more love in all the wrong places because I have forgotten my true identity as His beloved. I become consumed by money, or lack thereof, and what I "need" to merely get by. In this, I continue to discover money truly is the root of all evil. Our entire world revolves around it...our thoughts, lives, energy...everything we do. Yet God does not function in this kingdom; His is greater. His Kingdom is life in Him, with Him, the unseen.

God commands me to not fret. What is the opposite of fret? Trust. It means to trust what I cannot see yet my spirit knows...to be Kingdom-minded...seeking not to understand but to merely trust. God is faithful to His promises...it will not come in the way I expect and there is nothing to hold on to but this promise. Trust.

Psalm 37

blind faith moments

2009-04-22T18:00:00.000+03:00

My experience in walking with God is this...most times I feel completely clueless, understand nothing and cannot even see the next step in front of me...yet He is not silent...His hand is all over me, He sees me...

Even more, I am recognizing how much of this journey with Him, deeper into His heart and will and desire for my life, is not about "arriving" much less figuring His plan out...rather, it is preparation for what is next.

So as I keep stumbling blindly by faith, in this current season of preparation, here have been His moments of gentle love and grace...in the words He has spoken, how He has made Himself evident, or having simply met me in my fleshly desire to have an "answer"...

Isaiah 42:16 AMP version, "And I will bring the blind by a way that they know not; I will lead them in paths that they have not known. I will make darkness into light before them and make uneven places into a plain. These things I have determined to do for them; and I will not leave them forsaken."

Deuteronomy 31:8, "It is the Lord Who goes before you; He will march with you; He will not fail you or let you go or forsake you; let there be no cowardice or flinching, but fear not, neither become - in spirit - depressed, dismayed, and unnerved with alarm."

Psalm 31:15, "My times are in Your hands..."

Interesting fact about the chrysanthemum flower...it does not bloom until the frost, essentially when all other flowers have died or gone. What brings them to finally bloom? The longer nights! The longer nights do not just bring rest, but they also are ideal for blossoming, because the waiting in the darkness grows, develops, strengthens, prepares, brings fruition..."waiting on Him for whom it is no vain thing to wait."

My God operates on a "need-to-know" basis only. I can rest in His peace.

Ah the joy of Your very Word God...

All of Psalm 16...He is my "portion" and my inheritance...my Father alone "holds" me, "maintains" my very life and steps I take...He gives me "counsel," not man...His very Spirit within my heart "instructs me in the night seasons"...therefore, I can "rest" and "confidently dwell" in His hand, His safety..."I have set You continually before me...You will show me the path of life"...when I need to see and know, because only "in Your presence is fullness of joy"...regardless of externals, circumstances, the tangibles...

No matter what man may say, I know Your Word and will keep You continually before me.

This is grace, and knowing one's identity in Jesus alone..."Failure means nothing now, only that it taught me life. Success is meaningless, only that it gave me farther experience in using the great gift of God, Life."

Faith binds a man to what he knows inside.

Romans 1:17 reads, "For in the Gospel a righteousness which God ascribes is revealed, both springing from faith and leading to faith...disclosed through the way of faith that arouses to more faith." It is that righteousness, the mystery and the freedom of the Gospel that pushes you out over the edge, longing for more of Jesus, taking what seem to be unwise and apparent "risks," all to know and experience Jesus more...it is a way that is only known through walking blindly, yet still longing for more of the unknown because it drives us deeper, not only deeper trust but deeper knowing of the One who leads...because "as it is written, the man who through faith is just and upright shall live and shall live by faith." Not only do I draw my life by this way, but this is the only way...I am only righteous and justified by faith...how can I expect to live but by any other way? I "shall live and shall live by faith"...

Faith is - not alone in facts and a rational apologetic - but in the reality of the inward work of the anointing which he possesses through the gift of the Spirit.

strings

2009-04-01T18:42:00.000+03:00

I believe in the God who pulls strings through circumstances.

Hebrews 11:8, "Urged on by faith Abraham, when he was called, obeyed and went forth to a place which he was destined to receive as an inheritance; and he went although he did not know or trouble his mind about where he was to go."

And so I walk...towards my inheritance that You have called me to.

Jeremiah 10:23, "Lord, I know that the determination of the way of a man is not in himself; it is not in man, even in man at his best, to direct his own steps."

Me at my best is still dirty rags in Your sight. I truly am powerless apart from dependence.

Proverbs 20:24, "Man's steps are ordered by the Lord. How then can a man understand his way?"

I cannot.

Psalm 37:23, "The steps of a good man (woman) are directed and established by the Lord when He (God) delights in his (her) way and He (God) busies Himself with his (her) EVERY step."

You don't lead me part way then stop.

So I walk with You, following Your lead, towards my inheritance of more Life, wholeness, holiness, love and grace...because You pull strings through circumstances to glorify Yourself.

waiting...

2009-03-05T02:54:00.000+02:00

Why is it always such a mystery to me how God uses affliction to make me beautiful? To make me more like Himself? He is constantly humbling me, making me powerless, forcing me to walk in unknown paths that are so uncomfortable I cry out to Him like the Psalmist in Chapter 130. I feel like I am the watchman waiting for the morning, longing for relief not yet granted, for a grasp of what is next and what my God is doing...

Yet even as I wait, I wait with hopeful expectation, knowing because of His faithfulness in my life that this walk of faith is a walk of blind trust...

And that is what my Savior loves.

What I love is that He always manages to speak to me, to give me just what I need when I feel like I might drown, a taste of His incredible grace at the exact moment my heart is longing for more...

"Broken"

I have given all I have
You have shaken my foundations
In You I know that there is so much more
My strength has failed me
I look to You now.

Broken...at the foot of the cross I stand.
Broken...at the foot of the cross I stand.

Sometimes I feel so small
Afraid I have lost my way
Reaching for something that I don't really know
But You take my hand and gently embrace my soul.

Reaching...for the hem of Your robe I am.
Reaching...for the hem of Your robe I am.

I know how I have seen
Of the greatness of this King
And so, humble knees, I bow
Before Your glory and reach out.

Waiting...just to hear You speak to me.
Waiting...just to hear You speak to me.

God, I am longing for more of You...not the "answers" or even understanding...but ultimately more of You, even for just the hem of Your robe. You have humbled me greatly in Your provision and Spirit at work these past weeks...

I know that You have my best in mind...and so I will wait. Expectantly.

crazy

2009-01-19T18:28:00.000+02:00

Matchbox Twenty sings a song called Unwell and every time I hear it, I reflect on my journey with Christ...because quite honestly, walking with Him is exactly like the line "I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell"...and I think I am crazy, by most worldly ideals, standards, and labels...and ruined for more of Jesus.

The more I walk with Jesus, the more my life does not make sense...and the more I think about "being someone or something" or what I "should be doing with my life" because I feel a loss of purpose, vision, and drive, becoming so overwhelmed with the "crazy" in my life...

And then God faithfully meets me.

Philippians 3:7-14 sums up my purpose...that I may know Him...that I may progressively become more deeply and intimately acquainted with Him, perceiving and recognizing and understanding the wonders of His person more strongly and clearly...in that same way come to know the power outflowing from His resurrection which it exerts over me as His disciple...and share His sufferings as to be continually transformed in spirit into His likeness even to His death, in hope that if possible I may attain to the spiritual and moral resurrection that lifts me out from among the dead.

My purpose is not to work, or be active, or essentially to find my identity in any "things"...rather, my purpose is to know Jesus. My purpose in today is to know and walk with Him by the power of His Spirit. It is to spend my time helping and serving others who may never love me back and never show gratitude for what I gave up. Further, it is not to control or figure anything out about all the unknowns and uncertainties in my life...it is simply to live in today with Him alone, still walking blindly by faith in what often feels like "risk" and "out of control," offering ALL of my trust...

Because that is all I have.

I am crazy and ruined for more of Jesus.

uncertainty

2008-12-23T20:33:00.000+02:00

"Maybe faith has less to do with gaining knowledge and more to do with causing wonder"...

These words jumped off the page at me as I read them recently...we are about "defining" and getting wiser, thus theology is our definition of God as we "study" Him...but God was never meant to be "studied," much less defined, especially by finite beings. He was meant to actively live in and through our lives.

The world is about education and gaining knowledge so that we are more "successful," earn more money, move up the food chain...

Yet Jesus is the opposite, again contrary on all levels of this world and what the world has told us to be true. Thus, our walk with God - our faith - should only push us deeper into awe and wonder and worship of our Creator, giving worth to Him alone. Sometimes I think that "figuring" God out by gaining knowledge steers us away from worship rather than into the reverent presence of God. In His Word, God says that He is a "mystery"...and He really is, yet we are not okay with not "knowing"...we must drive to figure Him out. And maybe spiritual maturity results in less predictability, more unknowns, and having your life less "together"...ultimately, "out of control," in places we could never have planned or imagined, often times less than ideal.

Embrace relational uncertainty - it is called romance.
Embrace spiritual uncertainty - it is called mystery.
Embrace occupational uncertainty - it is called destiny.
Embrace emotional uncertainty - it is called joy.
Embrace intellectual uncertainty - it is called revelation.

Embracing uncertainty because it is freeing...these are all the "costs" - or maybe really gains - of following Jesus.

i am not skilled...

2008-12-17T19:54:00.000+02:00

"To understand...what God has willed, what God has planned...I only know at His right hand, stands One who is my Savior" (opening lyrics to Aaron Shust My Savior My God).

I am thankful that God hovers over the chaos, the unknowns, seemingly random situations in my life...hovering ready to create order and beauty...

And I don't have to understand. I do not even possess the skills nor control to do so...God does not expect me to figure it out. I get to trust Him and joyfully watch it unfold.

Psalm 16:11, "You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at Your right hand there are pleasures forevermore."

There it is again...His right hand...

To be positioned at God's right hand is a place of honor...and there is Jesus...pleasures forevermore.

So here I sit, here I rest...completely frustrated, humbled, needy...yet in a place of honor and privilege...in my Savior's presence, fullness of joy...that is all I know, know by faith...the path of my life.

pure joy

2008-12-11T18:23:00.000+02:00

What does this mean when it feels like so many things that bring me joy are taken...and though only temporary, they are still gone? Yet my joy is not dependent upon my circumstances. Joy is a pervasive sense of well-being...it is not dependent upon a specific object and pure joy does not waiver. Even more, it is the basic element of inner transformation into Christ-likeness and the outer life that flows from this change.

So what feels like joy stripped from me is actually joy being refined, manifested, multiplied...

Ah Jesus, You are bringing change...more like you...

Further, complete or full joy (what Jesus is talking about in John 15:11 when He says, "I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.") is my first line of defense against weakness, failure, disease of my mind and body. Thus, the "joy of the Lord is my strength." Pure joy is nothing the enemy can steal from me and it is certainly the path to not only recognize, but to also overcome his lies.

I am here at this moment, in uncertainty...my body is "diseased" and my bone is literally frail and bruised...yet my joy does not have to change...

Psalm 16:11 points to my source of joy..."You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness of joy, at your right hand there are pleasures forevermore." This says nothing about joy in this world...it only comes by remaining in Him (John 15).

I am in this place now, like Paul speaks about in Acts 2:25-28 when he refers to David..."For He is at my right hand that I may not be shaken or overthrown or cast down from my secure and happy state"...this is an extremely bold statement speaking out of pure hope in His God..."therefore my heart rejoiced"...David rejoiced in seeing the Lord keep him in this place of joy rather than live by his physical, outward circumstances...

Take this heart there Jesus...

My same God empowers me to do the same...

"Moreover, my flesh also will dwell in hope...You have made known to me the ways of life; You will enrapture me, diffusing my soul with joy, with and in Your presence."

That is a verse I will stand on when my weakness, disability, "disease" try to bring me low...they cannot touch my heart and mind. Jesus has them already...I know this because His Word speaks this...Philippians 4:7, "And God's peace shall be mine, that tranquil state of soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over my heart and mind in Christ Jesus." What?!

Romans 15:13, "May the God of your hope so fill you with all joy and peace in believing through the experience of your faith that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound and be overflowing (bubbling over!) with hope." I can stand in the experiences of Your faithfulness to enable me to stand now, believing in hope that You are so good...

I have seen Your hand so graciously in this journey so far...and excited at the anticipation of how I will know and experience You in and through my life more...this is Your path for me right now, to experience more joy in Joy...You...and somehow, this is best.

independence

2008-11-03T18:15:00.001+02:00

I have been thinking about what it really means to be "independent," especially in our culture where we are not only encouraged but pressured to be such. But I am realizing more and more that independence is such a Western culture mindset, one that ultimately functions on rejection. We don't "need" because it is considered "weak"...but really we don't "need" because it feels safer to not be rejected, or at least risk being rejected.

So this is how we learn to live, tend to function...out of our insecurity and woundedness...and then we reject people just like we have been. Instead of living within relationships, together, how we were designed to live through Jesus, we keep the vicious cycle going. Even more, we strive to "prove" because we have been rejected, which pushes us deeper into the lie that we don't need others and live even more alone - independent.

This life is contrary to Jesus. To be independent means "not subject to the control or influence of others (this would include God); not connected; self-supportive." This is really sad, to think that our world encourages, motivates, drives us, to be "successfully" independent. Truth is, it is all the rejection of God...and placing our self as god. It all makes sense.

Yet God is the only being who is perfectly independent.

great expectations?

2008-10-20T01:23:00.000+03:00

Here is a thought to chew on, wrestle with, maybe even push back on...

"To the degree that you resort to expectations and responsibilities (upon others), to that degree you neither know God nor trust Him."

Here is what is stirring within me...and though articulating my heart and where it is at is often confusing, I hope my feeble words will do justice to what God is teaching me...

I do believe that the degree to which I live in expectations and responsibilities is the degree to which I believe God, or rather do not believe Him...ultimately expectation means "I expect to control my end result based upon my work." Expectation is about my control, thus not God's sovereignty in my life. And responsibility is my expectation, standards and judgment upon someone else, based upon my view of "good and evil" or "right and wrong" system.

All this goes back to my identity FULLY in Jesus...because if I not only knew but believed Him, Him in me, then I am free to love others and sacrificially serve them, right where they are at in their own life...whether they are "right" or "wrong" because that is irrelevant anyways in allowing Jesus to manifest His life in me. My expectations mean I am attempting to control them...but they are unique, just as their choices and relationship with Jesus is just that: between them and God alone. It is not mine, has nothing to do with me...and that is freeing.

Jesus alone is the change agent.

I want to know and trust Him so fully that my relationships are so rich...that I am able to enjoy the unique and diverse life of each individual that is either in my life or simply crosses it for a day...that I can engage other wounded, imperfect and broken people without judgment and "expectation" but only expectancy...to experience more of Jesus and walk freely in Him.

Here are the questions that I now wonder about...

How many of my relationships - family, friends, coworkers, etc. - function out of expectation...thus on rules, "supposed to's", meet my standards, essentially out of fear? How many would say they are freely loved, given grace at any time, and do not have to work to be received and loved? How many feel a subtle expectation and are driven by performance?

...because none of these are based upon the life of Jesus.

Bouncing back briefly to my last post about God's Spirit...how He moves us, "blows" us from one place to the next, all within His hand..

Walking and living in my identity in Jesus ONLY frees me up to be blown all over and having no clue at all to where I am going, what is next, yet living freely in joy in the moment. I am free from expectations. It frees me up to NOT have control, whatsoever...in the lives of others and in my own. Because my life is not my own anyways...

wind

2008-09-03T20:14:00.000+03:00

I just read John 3:8, something I have read more times than I can remember...and like usual, God spoke to me in a whole new way through His word that brought such hope and life to my heart and spirit.

“The wind blows (breathes) where it wills; and though you hear its sound, yet you neither know where it comes from nor where it is going. SO IT IS WITH EVERYONE WHO IS BORN OF THE SPIRIT.”

I feel as if I am continually blown around by the Spirit…yet I am, when it is His breathing. What freedom this is though! “The Spirit breathes where it wills.” And I have the Spirit through Jesus…I can hear and know and follow Him. This is what it means to live by the Spirit! Adventure. I am free to enjoy this, free of expectations and the "shoulds" of this world. Just free to enjoy Jesus right now, in this very moment.

John Wesley says in his commentary, "The fact is plain, the manner of his (or her!) operations inexplicable."

Yes, my operations are inexplicable...to me, to those around me, yet not to God. And for right now, today, God's Spirit has blown me to Indiana, to Starbucks, with a burning passion to know Him more and be in the lives of others so they too would yearn for more of Him. And someday, I know that His Spirit will blow me somewhere else...

grace

2008-06-27T04:11:00.000+03:00

This was given to me today and it articulates so well the voice of my Father, to me right now...

The Lord says, “I hear your prayers before they are voiced, but I listen still for your cry because I delight that you come to Me with your needs. I could arrange to have all your needs supplied in such a way that no requests would be necessary, but you would be unmindful of the source of your good.

When you are forced to plead with Me for your needs, you then accept My supply with a grateful spirit. This all contributes to the progress of your soul in faith and grace. The experience of prayer answered is only of incidental importance in comparison to your growth in grace and spiritual maturity.

Your love for Me, says the Lord, also deepens as you pray and receive an answer because each answer is evidence of My concern for you and My desire to bless. The more you pray, the more My love is revealed to you; thus your faith is growing strong by reason of the exercise. Yet your heart is being melted by My love for you and your response."

And ah yes, I am okay, as I continue to walk in His love and grace.

no shame

2008-06-26T01:17:00.000+03:00

I realize it has been a while since I have last posted anything...and I now recognize why. Shame. I don't think I have ever been a person who has struggled with shame, but I see how the enemy has been beating me up by it. I am ashamed of my life right now, bottom line. I am not where I "want" to be or even think I "should" be spiritually, I don't feel God's presence in my life (but I know faith is not a feeling), much less desiring to spend time with Him. I feel like I am merely surviving in my life rather than living abundantly like I know He desires me to live. I struggle to believe God has my best in mind and I am not this "fearless" minister of the Gospel. I feel I have failed, lost my direction, my passion and vision. I am tired, burned out, beat up...

I think I even feel ashamed to go before Him.

The enemy, our accuser, uses isolation to speak lies. We cannot hear the truth when we are not surrounded by Jesus, by others who know Him and can speak truth to us. Thinking becomes distorted, reality becomes blurred, confusion and guilt set in.

Yet I am not destroyed...and I know that God wants to deliver me. He is my Deliverer. I must cry out...there is no shame in this.

Isaiah 50:7 says, "Therefore I have set my face like flint, and I know I will not be put to shame."

He has led me this far, He'll continue to lead me...and ultimately, this place where my heart is at, somewhat alone and lost and feeling so far from Him, it is not in His will. And it is not a geographical location that He longs to take me...it is back into His heart, deeper into Him and Love...gently by His grace and compassion, through His Word and His body...You just want me.

God I am desperate to keep my heart before You, in You. There is no shame here.

saturday

2008-04-28T15:53:00.000+03:00

Funny that the title to this entry is the day that I will leave Berlin for a while...and not necessarily in my choosing or my time table, but certainly one that God has planned.

When I think about Christ's account on the cross, how He died on Friday and arose on Sunday, bringing me life both eternal and now, I never once think about Saturday. George Steiner said, "But ours is the long day's journey of the Saturday."

"Long day's journey"...How many times in my life do I feel like I am trapped or stuck, waiting in Saturday for Sunday to come, when I can rest in Saturday because the victory already came on Friday? I can stand, waiting expectantly in hope, for Sunday, enjoying the "now" and "here," being "nowhere" but here. Because I know that Sunday will come...it has before and still will.

Even more, how hard is it to have joy in the now and here? This requires so much, living in a world where I cannot control anything yet want to try and control everything. This kind of joy is not of this world because it is only a gift that comes in Christ.

Joy is about "what is" while fear is about "what if." And just as much as Joy is about the known and fear is about the unknown, fear is also about what has not come and Joy is about what has come...Jesus. "What is" the truth of what is known in Christ? He has come, is coming, and will continue to come...which means fear must leave. Joy has come, is here and now, the ongoing Presence of Him. Fear and joy cannot co-exist, and this is freedom to trust in both the known and unknown.

Joy is freely living in the here and now, on Saturday, knowing without question that God is present...joy enables me to trust my Father as I live in Today.

alive!

2008-03-10T18:31:00.000+02:00

Someone recently passed this on to me...and until now, John 20:6-7 has never impacted me like this before.

"Then Simon Peter, who was behind him (John), arrived and went into the tomb. He saw the strips of linen lying there, as well as the burial cloth that had been around Jesus' head. The cloth was folded up by itself, separate from the linen."

John (20:7) tells us that the napkin (linen), which was placed over the face of Jesus, was not just thrown aside like the other grave clothes. The Bible takes an entire verse to tell us that the napkin was neatly folded, and was placed at the head of that stony coffin.

So why did Jesus fold the linen burial cloth after His resurrection?

In order to understand the significance of the folded linen, you have to understand the Hebrew tradition of that day. A folded napkin had to do with the Master and servant, and every Jewish boy knew this tradition. When the servant set the dinner table for the master, he made sure that it was exactly the way the master wanted it. The table was furnished perfectly, and then the servant would wait, just out of sight, until the master had finished eating, and the servant would not dare touch that table, until the master was finished. Now if the master was done eating, he would rise from the table, wipe his fingers, his mouth, and clean his beard, and would wad up the napkin and toss it onto the table. The servant would then know to clear the table. In those days, the wadded napkin meant, "I'm done." But, if the master got up from the table, folded his napkin, and laid it beside his plate, the servant would not dare touch the table, because the folded napkin meant, "I'm coming back!"

purest place

2008-03-06T13:17:00.000+02:00

The lyrics to a song I have heard countless times stirred my heart for more of the "purest place" I can ever be...

Paint me with Your purity
That I'd attract Your majesty
When others boast in fame and gold
The purest place is where I'll go

The purest place I will draw near
Do what it takes to keep me here
In the center of Your heart
The purest place is where You are

It's not with masses, not with kings
Not in these songs, or offerings
Not in this life, or what it brings
The purest place is You my King

If there's such thing as too beautiful
If there's such things as too wonderful
If there's such thing as too marvelous
Jesus it's You, Jesus it's You

It's You my King,
It's You my King
The purest place, is You my King

When the world all around me is screaming "self", the purest place is where I long to go. Oh that fame and recognition would quickly push me to His heart and not to my self! "Do what it takes to keep me here"...is He ever doing this, so painfully. Yet my heart desires to be and remain in this "purest place," the center of His heart. Only He is in this place and none of me. What must this be like to experience such Purity?

The "purest place" is His heart. It is completely unadulterated, whole and complete, with no impurities, as pure gold, which only comes refined by fire. And my life, it is in the fire, becoming more pure, so that my heart too would one day be the purest place.

If there is any thing as "too beautiful...too wonderful...too marvelous," it is only Jesus.

The purest place, Father, align my heart with Yours. Do what it takes.

or unique

2008-03-03T12:56:00.000+02:00

Adding to my previous wrestlings with "competitor"...the contrast is "unique." If I am unique, then I am not comparable to anything else. Isn't that what I want? What we all want?

Unique by definition is "existing as the only one; incomparable; only specimen of a given kind; being the only one of its kind; without an equal."

Reread those last three words...

Why do I compare (and therefore compete) when everything in me wants to be unique, yet I do not value or even appreciate my created uniqueness by my Creator? Our uniqueness is given. We cannot create it. Freedom comes when we see, know and rest in this. It is a grasping of Truth in the heart.

My actions say I want to be the same as those around me. Somehow I want to be equal or even superior to those around me, yet just as much different. How confusing!

In my search for uniqueness, I will end up on one of two roads...competing to find my uniqueness, which is really striving to be like someone else, or knowing and trusting Jesus. I am already fully "unique" in Him.

competitor?

2008-02-25T12:37:00.000+02:00

I recently said to someone, "I am a competitor. It is part of who I am," to which his response was, "Is it? What does God say about competing and competition?" That left me puzzled, because I thought I knew all about this. Yet my spirit was left unsettled and has led me on this journey to know truth: to know God more in my questions about being competitive, "striving," to "rival" and the like.

By definition, "compete" is to strive or claim to be equal. "Competitor" is one who seeks to obtain what another seeks. "Competition" is strife for superiority. Further, "comparison" is a form of competition. Also, "rival" is one striving to equal or exceed another; standing in competition for superiority.

When I compete, I do so to prove myself, to show I am better, to gain glory. This is the motive of my heart. When I play more, play better, I "feel" better...but do I? This is not of God, and it would never be enough.

Does competing drive me nearer to God or does it cause me to lust after everything of this world?

A quote worth wrestling with:

Satan's entire kingdom runs on the principle of competition; just the opposite of God's Kingdom where everyone serves each other.

Competition, yes, it is the way of the world. It is how we function, think, live. Yet we are from a higher Kingdom.

Are we called to compete or to serve?

When I am a "competitor" it is about me, what I "deserve"...winning the praise of others, drawing attention to myself...ultimately my pride and vain glory. There is no fruit of the Spirit in my life. None.

So what is sport? How do I "compete" without being "competitive?" God's design in creating sport, I believe, is to worship Him and reflect His glory, through following the rules and by serving my teammates out of a changed heart of humility and grace. Further, I have no "rights" nor can I demand justice or fairness. When I play in such a way that serves my team, it brings unity to our body on the floor, and in this, the fruits of the Spirit are manifested. And strangely enough, I am a "better" player according to the world's standards.

Somewhere in this place that I cannot attain is freedom...but how?

I would be lying to you if I said that I know "how" to "do" these things in the midst of playing a sport that has lied to me for so long. The world trains us up to "strive" for superiority and my flesh knows nothing else. But the Spirit in me, He is doing the work of humility as God continues to whisper, "Just be with me." This is all a mystery to me, sanctification...but just this past Friday, I believe it was the first time in my life that no false motive or prideful thought ran through my mind the entire practice!

Stop trying.

God is manifesting His glory but we cannot always see it. Yet I am convinced that those around us do as we long to know Him more. And I believe that God wants to show us a way of not just playing sport, but living life, that is so contrary to this world that we do not even have a category for it in our minds. My mind cannot fathom basketball fully redeemed in His glory, where there is total freedom and joy in my spirit, regardless of circumstances around me. But I know it is a place of experiencing God in all His glory, where all I want to do is throw my hands up in the air in total worship. This is freedom, redemption, glory...forget the game.

Philippians 2:3 says, "Let nothing be done through strife or vain glory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves." What does this really mean?

I stumbled across this in a commentary...

This command forbids us to do anything, or attempt anything as the mere result of strife. This is not the principle from which we are to act, or by which we are to be governed. We are to form no plan, and aim at no object which is to be secured in this way. The command prohibits all attempts to secure anything over others by mere physical strength, or by superiority of intellect or numbers. or as the result of dark schemes and plans formed by rivalry, or by the indulgence of angry passions, or with the spirit of ambition. We are not to attempt to do anything merely by outstripping others, or by showing that we have more talent, courage, or zeal. What we do is to be by principle, and with a desire to maintain the truth, and to glorify God. And yet how often is this rule violated!

We would never be the same if we allowed God to glorify His life in our lives the way He so desperately desires. We do not even have a concept of what this would look like. But Father, give it to us...and give us the grace to boldly ask.

thorn

2008-02-12T12:17:00.000+02:00

In 2 Corinthians 12:7-10, Paul talks about this continual "thorn" in his side, which is like a splinter that keeps nagging him and reminding him of his weakness. I can imagine that Paul so desperately wanted to rid himself of it, pleading with God to remove it. Yet God did not, and instead used this painful splinter as a way to #1, administer His grace to Paul, and #2, as a way to glorify Himself through Paul's life.

My own thorn continues to manifest itself in this ridiculous game of basketball. Ah, the joys and frustrations of this sport! I cannot make sense of it, and I do not think I am supposed to. Paul could not grasp his thorn either. Yet I manage to beat myself up about not "arriving" in my spiritual maturity, and feel so shamed to admit that I still wrestle with the lies of identity and worth revolving around this game. Even to write this, I wonder what you will think..."she still fails in this area...how long has she walked through this..." How quickly I can go places in my mind that are neither real nor true...my assumptions lead to anxiety...I have taken my eyes off the very One who calls me "beloved."

He is waiting for me to turn to Him to pick me up, to receive His grace. And in all my shame, believing the lie that I should have already "cleaned myself" up and that Christ has already given me enough grace in this area of my life, I still try to "get through" the lies on my own. But I have realized the "thorn" is not bad; in fact, it is a way to receive and experience more of His grace. Why is this so difficult for my flesh to accept? Pride...my pride manifests itself, believing that I have "conquered" this sin in my life. Yet this thorn has pricked deeper into my side so that I would know more of Him. When the arrows fly, Jesus is longing for me to press deeper into Him...where He can speak to me, love me, give me abundant grace, manifest His power at work within my weakness. And I am so weak.

God give me the grace to hear your voice in these moments! Give me the eyes to see You, so I would "behold" You to "become" more like Jesus (2 Corinthians 3:18).

God cannot love me any more or any less, no matter what I do. His love for me is based entirely upon His grace. And He does not quit or give up. He does not start something without finishing, and I am still His work in progress (Philippians 1:6-7). But I think I am right where He wants me.

This "thorn" is His grace...

same lies, different day

2008-01-14T12:52:00.000+02:00

Last night a close friend called, and though it was late, the Lord knew it was exactly what we both needed...to "need" together in community and bring our struggles into the light, even if 6 times zones and thousands of miles separated us.

What I am getting at is this...Satan is crafty and somewhat intelligent as to how he gets us to buy into his crap, but let's be honest, he stands no chance and is a fool to think that at the end of the day he holds victory. As my friend spoke of her struggles, I asked her the lies that she hears and is believing. And as she shared them, I realized that those were the exact same lies I was hearing and believing! The only difference was our situations.

It brought me such freedom knowing that first, I was not alone, and second, that though the enemy does not play fair, he had been exposed! I think we would each be surprised if we were honest with one another, with the struggles and lies that we hear daily, because we are really not alone in the battle at all. Satan is rather limited in his craftiness and his pathetic lies, and we have the power and the authority to stand over him. But it is our choice.

Last night, my friend and I fought our lies together, and it brought such life to my spirit. I knew I was not alone, that my fellow believing brothers and sisters were also the same target for the enemy's same flaming arrows and he had now been exposed. Even more, where two or more are gathered in Jesus' name, He is there too. I experienced it yet again.

Stand in the Truth.

dreamful or dreamless?

2008-01-10T12:25:00.000+02:00

I have thought much about this subject the past few months, and again, as God would so hilariously do, brings it up further in a book I am reading called Soul Cravings. Something the author, Erwin McManus, mentions really resonated with me:

"As children we assume that greatness is within our grasp. Whatever inspires us, we begin to dream that one day we will be the best. It is only as we lose our childlike innocence that we begin to settle for far less. A part of growing up seems to be acquiescing to mediocrity. It's easy to say that we're just becoming realistic, that it's just part of growing up. But, in fact, it's the death of our souls. When we stop dreaming, we start dying."

When did we stop dreaming? And do we even have dreams for our lives anymore? When is it not okay to dream big, because God gives us dreams...and desires and visions and goals...and yes, they are usually "out of the box"...but then again, God has no boxes.

Only Jesus allows us to freely dream, and then go after that dream, whether it makes "sense" or not. The world says it is okay to dream, but when it comes to actually taking steps in the direction of our heart, maybe out of the box, it is subtly communicated not to. By pursuing visions, desires and dreams that are not "normal" we are relying on the power of Jesus within us, His dream, because truth is there is no other way. As children of God, we were designed for greatness. Yet there is an enemy and he, via the world, says otherwise. John 10:10 makes that clear..."The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." The enemy manages to get most people to settle for mud pies when Christ is waiting for us at His full banquet table!

So what is a dream? Webster says it is a series of thoughts not under the command of reason, and hence wild and irregular; in scripture, they were sometimes impressions on the minds of sleeping persons, made by divine agency (why can't dreams be the same today? If scripture is still alive and active and being written in and through our lives, why are we not still free to dream?); to think, to imagine; to be sluggish, to waste time in vain thoughts, as to dream away life (now this I find interesting, because this defines the first part of John 10:10, which is "to steal and kill and destroy").

So the question is, are we dreamful or dreamless? Are we "full of dreams" or "free from dreams"? I want to be a dreamer, after more of Jesus' heart, one who is visionary, who dreams, lost in wild imagination of who Jesus could be in and through my life.

overwhelmed

2007-11-27T01:37:00.001+02:00

Today was my birthday, my first birthday in Deutschland. Tonight, many of my teammates planned a Turkish birthday dinner, in celebration of me. Why God? Really? I have only been here 6 weeks. How can I possibly feel so loved, be so loved, by man and by You?

What is this life-consuming, radical love I feel? How can a love be so consuming that there are no words to define? And I have it...I walk with Him every day and experience His presence to the point of being overwhelmed. And that is what I am right now...overwhelmed. Amazing God, amazing love, I can do nothing but rejoice. My heart is so full, flooded, speechless...

God, I came here, after Your heart and Your voice, yet completely blind...abandoned to You...I came too, to love on and reflect Your love to those around me, namely, my teammates. What is this "weighty" love that I feel? How do I even tell You how "grateful," how "blessed" I am? These words sell You short! And as I live here, love You, know You more, You love through me, to those around me, and that is why they are attracted to me...because it is not me, but You. It can be nothing else. They are drawn to You in me, and as they are drawn to You, You somehow love me through them being drawn to Yourself in me! How is this love possible? What is this supernatural love? And who am I?

I have no category, much less words...Your love is truly incomprehensible and overwhelming, so heavy...immersed...I can find no words to describe my heart right now.

judgment

2007-11-19T13:14:00.000+02:00

I hate that my first thought when I look at someone who has just stepped out of church to have a smoke is judgment. I do not even have to "think"...it quickly and automatically runs through my mind before I realize the thoughts are rampant. Who taught me that? Was it the world, or was it the church?

I have no idea about their story, where they are at on their journey, and I judge them according to my own view: my self-righteous, "churchy," "have it all together," prideful flesh. But the truth is, this person very well could be more passionately in love with Jesus, who just happens to struggle with this tangible addiction, which is no different than my struggle with seeking approval from others. The only difference is, you just would not know it because you cannot see it.

Further, why do I create a "me" versus "them" mindset, as if I set myself apart from the real world I live in? There is no Christ sub-culture; there is only culture, with its own history and uniqueness that make itself different from another. And that culture is still Christ's culture - He is still there.

Jesus, retrain and restore my mind to how you intended and designed it: like You. Strip away my judgments and replace them with your love. I am so needy...

undiscipline

2007-11-14T12:05:00.001+02:00

Obedience to God vs. self-discipline...I have lots of time to reflect, particularly on the events and circumstances in my life. Situations that seem "random" but they are God's appointed order, His divine designs that happen anywhere and everywhere. If I view my "random" circumstances through my fleshly eyes, I am like Peter: sinking, and fast! But if I choose to walk with eyes of faith, being obedient whether my vision or dream or desire is in my proper order, than God can do abundantly more than I can ever ask, think or imagine. Do I believe this?

Oswald Chambers. The man walked with God. In "My Utmost For His Highest," November 14 excerpt, he says, "Beware of being obsessed with consistency to your own convictions instead of being devoted to God." Am I more obsessed with my discipline to the physical...training, being prepared, basketball, and how "I" think it must look, because that is what you "do"? And if it does not fall into place that way, than I must change something or "do" more? But this is how I have always done things. Do I dare to function differently now, as I am more sanctified to His image, His mind? Quite possibly, and maybe I am not supposed to do anything besides be obedient to the "randomness," go with what makes no sense to me, and completely defy my ideas of discipline...to follow unreason, inconsistency, what seems absurd, but really is the guidance of the One within me, choosing to see Him in the "random" events that are nothing less than His order.

Consistency is my order, planned and designed events; inconsistency is God's order. There was never a more inconsistent person on earth than Jesus, but He was never inconsistent with His Father, as He was led by His Father. And my life is now the same, led by my Shepherd's voice...completely contrary to this world, but nevertheless the leading of His sanctifying Spirit within me who intercedes on my behalf when I am about to drown. And what Mr. Chambers states is true: "The important consistency in a saint is not to a principle but to the divine life. It is the divine life that continually makes more and more discoveries about the divine mind."

The last time I checked, the divine life is entirely contrary to this world. Maybe I should begin thinking opposite of what this world trains me to think and walk in the way of undiscipline to self. And it makes no human sense.

zeal

2007-11-09T14:35:00.000+02:00

Yesterday I was reading about Christ's zeal, His dying passion for God; it literally consumed Him, "ate Him up." His zeal inflamed His Spirit, affections, took all of His time and strength, to the very end of His life. In John 2:17, He desperately wanted people to know the abundant life and true freedom that God had for them. Christ simply wanted people to "get it"...to know Himself. But they missed Him in their religion.

Jesus zealousness for God included freeing the gospel from those that bound it, from religion, from institutions, from human fallacies that claim a greater knowledge than others, from man-made laws. His zeal ushered in the liberating gospel of grace and love and truth. My zeal for Him must be the same; the truth of His truths, what true worship is in the "temple" of my life now ("in Spirit and in truth", John 4:23-24), and not to any fallible man-designed principles. Jesus said in John 8:32, "Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free."

I reflected on my own life, wondering if those who knew me, interacted with me, "experienced" me, were they experiencing Christ in such a way that they knew He was real in my life? Can they see that Jesus is my life out of my zealousness? Do I have a dying passion to know Him more and for others to experience Him the same?

Well God in all His sweetness allowed His zeal to manifest itself shortly after my time with Him in His Word. I met with a teammate to check out a gym, where I could "train" her a few times a week in strength training. Before I knew it, we were engaging in a spiritual conversation. I was becoming so excited as she asked me if I was "religious,"to which I replied, "No, I hate religion actually. It is man-made, requires a checklist be met, condemns, and is not freeing! But Jesus, I walk with Him, and here is what I mean..." For the next 15 minutes, I had the privilege to tell her about Christ, the gospel, how He has transformed my life and now is my life. And I could feel in that moment, the passion and zeal of Jesus oozing from me, so much so that all the steroid-popping men in the gym silenced their conversations and "subtly" listened in. She was tracking and resonating so much with what I had to say, especially as she shared about her friend who went to America and returned "religious." The Jesus I was telling her about offered freedom and wholeness and love that she has only dreamt about knowing. And now, she knows it is available to her. At the end, she said, "Yeah! Freedom is what I want. I like you. I like you a lot."

If my life is an authentic, attractive, passionate pursuit of more of Jesus, then as I proclaim truth, the reality of Jesus very life in me will straight up flow from me. It is here that He can create in others those things which He alone can do. My teammate doesn't need religion; she needs Jesus.

fragrance

2007-11-04T10:57:00.001+02:00

Yesterday I moved into my new apartment, with my new roommates, that I know little about, except that one is seriously on a journey after God...and little does she know that Jesus just moved in with her.

As I was settling in for the evening, the smell of marijuana (which interestingly is legal here, as are most things...indifference has had an incredibly blinding and numbing effect in this culture) filtered into my room. In that moment, all I could do was smile and say, "Okay Jesus."

2 Corinthians 2:14-16 is resonating within me, "But thanks be to God, who always leads us in triumphal procession in Christ and through us spreads everywhere the fragrance of the knowledge of Him. For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death; to the other, the fragrance of life."

It has become so clear to me how different my life is compared to the past few years. This is the reality of the world we are "strangers and aliens" in, and I am the face of Christ in literally everything I do. My life is a sweet, contrasting aroma to the only smell of life these women have known, because their life at this moment is the stench of death.

Jesus, would you be a heart-penetrating aroma from this room, throughout this apartment, in the gym, and into the very lives of those around me?! They want the fragrance of truth, and this is only found in "the knowledge of Him"...knowing You.

fear

2007-10-28T18:48:00.000+02:00

One day every week I consciously choose to go out into the city, whether I "feel" like it or not. I must do so if I expect to learn the culture and understand the mindset of people who have grown up in a completely different culture, history and experience than myself. This week I chose to go to the Holocaust museum, with no agenda, no time frame, no expectation...just me and Jesus.

With my headphones in my ears, I entered the underground museum and asked the Lord what He would have for me today. I had no idea what I was walking into.

Walking from room to room, I stepped into the lives and stories of innocent men, women and children who had experienced something so gruesome and horrific that my mind had no category for it. One room in particular had letters from individuals, most of whom did not survive, that they had written on their way to a concentration camp, in hopes their family would receive it (if they even survived). This particular letter struck me differently than the rest.

Whoever wrote this letter realized the deep fear that existed to bring about such atrocities, and I began to wonder further about this fear myself. The holocaust was about hate, but ultimately the root of hate is fear. What did Hitler fear about people different from him? What did he fear in Jews, Soviet POW's, the disabled, homosexuals, Freemasons, in people different than himself? Something gripped his life enough that led him to kill nearly 6 million people. I could not wrap my mind around these facts.

I began to reflect on my own life...what things do I strongly dislike? Why? Or what things cause me to feel insecure? And how do I respond to these things? I do not kill, but maybe I do in the words that I speak to someone out of my insecurity, or out of my fear...out of my flesh. If I walk securely and confidently in who I am and Who's I am, I have the freedom to breathe life, speak life, live life in Christ...abundantly.

I want to be able to have a conscious awareness of this in my life. I want be a life-giver rather than a life-taker. I want to be the face of Jesus.

today's wrestlings

2007-10-18T21:17:00.000+03:00

Today I chose to venture out to a part of the city that contains a section of the old Berlin wall. I had no agenda, just desiring to experience God in whatever way He wanted to meet with me. I found myself staring at this section of the wall, now just a memorial, and it served the purpose to decide who was free and who was not. Here I am, free, not just physically, but more by grace and love. I am free to know Christ and to walk with Him daily.

I managed to find my way to Starbucks, of course, and wrestled over my coffee and these images. Freedom in Christ, to wonder deeply into His heart and to fearlessly trust Him with a childlike faith, requires sheer abandon and nothing less.

Jesus says in Matthew 16:25, "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." In other words, "come, follow me" means an abandonment of my very self. Maybe in our culture today Jesus would say, "whoever abandons their life in, by and of this world will contrarily live life to its fullest." Essentially, defy the laws of gravity, all scientific reason, and step out in what feels like risk to the flesh, pursuing a God that is not safe but that is good. Maybe that should be the definition of "scandalous trust"- to defy the very laws of the world and expectations on how to live. It sounds scary, scandalous, risky, crazy, and irresponsible. But what if this is exactly what Jesus meant?

Is it my responsibility to discard responsible behavior in the name of Jesus? Should I really pursue Jesus with the faith of a child? Who has no fear, only the fear of missing the wonder of something fresh and new and mysterious?

Religion tells us what we can't do, instead of walking with Jesus in the freedom of what we can do. When I look at Christ's life, He was all about breaking the "rules" established by the self-righteous Pharisees. Yep, Jesus broke the rules. But He was perfect in every way. And He said, "come, follow me" not "come, follow my rules."

John 18:36, "My Kingdom is not of this world." So why do we think His reasoning, His purposes, His understanding, His knowledge would be of this world? He said it's not! The Kingdom of Heaven is completely contrary to this world; its reason, its function, its mindset, on all levels. And maybe, until we start stepping out of the "norms" of institutionalized church, we will miss God. We might miss experiencing Him, His Spirit actively living, freeing, pursuing, healing, transforming lives - our own and those around us.

When we don't abandon ourselves fully to Christ, we will choose another version of Jesus to follow, and essentially create our own "Christ."

dangerous wonder

2007-10-17T14:26:00.001+03:00

"The danger is that you will not listen to the voice that speaks to you through the seagull mounting the gray wind, say, or the vision in the temple, that you do not listen to the voice inside you or to the voice that speaks from outside but specifically to you out of the specific events of your life, but that instead you listen to the great blaring, boring, banal voice of our mass culture, which threatens to deafen us all by blasting forth that the only thing that really matters about your work is how much it will get you in the way of salary and status, and that if it is gladness you are after, you can save that for weekends."
-Frederick Buechner

Thoughts?

why I'm here

2007-10-14T18:52:00.000+03:00

First of all, welcome to my life, my wrestling, and my pursuit after more of Jesus. My desire in this blog is that you would experience Christ more, right where God has us on our own journey with Him. As I continually encounter people who have no idea who Jesus is, wandering around this foreign city, I keep asking myself why I'm here. The only thing I can come up with, and truly is more than enough, is that this is God's best for me, right now. I know nothing more, but I know I can rest in that alone.

"Foolish faith" is how I feel about my life right now. To most people, nothing about my life makes sense to the human eye, and the reality that I am living in Germany is anything but normal and is potentially "irresponsible." Yet I know I hear Christ's voice calling me "outside the city gate" (Hebrews 13:13), and I must follow hard after Him.

God's sole desire for our lives is that we would know Him and walk with Him. That is it. And to be honest, it makes no sense to my human mindset. But to live in the Kingdom of Heaven is to live contrary to the world, and that is right where God desires us to be.

So why am I here? To dive even greater into the mystery of who Jesus is, and live my life authentically in front of those I encounter. And I can rest in that.